Date: October 24, 2008 1:16 am Title: Chapter 3
As usual, it's going very well! The discussion between Shawn and Gus towards the beginning - with all of the interruptions, etc. - is simply brilliant. That had to be hard to write! And, oh, poor Shawn - of course, he brings it on himself - but he's like a little puppy you want to take care of even when it chews on your shoes!
Great lines throughout, but I really like: "It all made absolute sense in the relative usage of the word when he found Shawn in the middle of it." and "Shawn, his face obviously shoved against the copy machine glass, eyes squeezed shut, and in all its black and white photocopied glory, squinted up at him from between the monthly financial report on the cost benefits of dizapram and a pie chart for noxirin."
Author's Response:
Oh man, I ended up having to add in those interruptions after the fact--that was such a nightmare scene to work out (one of many, with a way larger load of characters than is usually fun to deal with in a scene), and it's absolutely awesome to hear that someone enjoyed it! WAHAHAHA TAKE THAT RANDOM SIDE CHARACTERS WHO MORGANADAMS APPRECIATED. *May be slightly cracked right now*
Oh man, I can't tell you how delightful it is to hear about the lines that people really like. The word "delightful" doesn't really cover it, and sounds more like something you'd so at a garden party (My, aren't the gardenias just delightful!), but imagine a large centipede bouncing up and down in her chair, giggling into her many hands, and you've pretty much got it.
Date: October 23, 2008 11:54 pm Title: Chapter 3
I'll just ditto what everyone else has said....I hate them for beating me to it!
The whole scene with Shawn on the stage...gosh it was like a trainwreck. I felt so uncomfortable watching - yet I couldn't stop. I was equally embarrassed for Shawn as well as Gus. When Shawn is coherent again, he's going to be sorry...at least I hope he is...well, he might be.
I'm pretty sure I used to work at Central Coast. At least, I think I've worked with everyone you've described. Its actually kinda freaky.
I really cant' say much else because the last line made all coherent thoughts fly away. Henry's coming!!!!!
A little hint....if you really want to stick it to that nasty dragonnan - post an update TONIGHT! That'll show her:):):)
Author's Response:
ALAS! I lost my chance to stick it to her in such a way! I claim that I made it on Friday (12 AM my time, actually, which I think ruins things), but that horrible dragonnan is an hour ahead so I win anyways. I'll be a grave dancin' tonight!
I was so afraid that people were going to actually be angry with Gus for being hard on Shawn, and to my delight it's Shawn who's getting the beat-down from you lot. Or at least you. But your vote counts for a lot, so we're good. Shawn's coherency is questionable, and I'm not precisely certain when he'll get it back so you probably won't get your moment. I say that like I don't know what's going to happen. Don't listen to me.
I WANT TO WORK WHERE YOU USED TO WORK. For, like, a day, but still. I want to meet these people in real life.
Henry! Hopefully Henry will distract you long enough to be disappointed that Shawn remains a jerk and doesn't quite get his come-uppance. Only I suppose he's sort of had it coming on all story. Yeah, totally not coherent right now. But! You are SydneyWoo, and will find it within you to forgive me. Maybe. Probably.
:]
[Report This]Date: October 23, 2008 10:56 am Title: Chapter 3
I finally caught up with this story and I gotta say it's awesome. Shawn and Gus are spot-on, the mystery is intriguing and your original characters really add a lot to it. Also, can't wait for Henry in the next chapter! =)
Author's Response: Awesome to hear! I love the bffness, and have a penchant for using, probably too much so, original characters--though I swear I'm just trying to set up my suspects! And then of course Henry, who is the other love of my life (and apparently a lot of other people's with the response he's getting even before he shows up :) ).
Date: October 23, 2008 10:32 am Title: Chapter 3
I think the general concept of a fraud at Central Coast Pharmacy is really interesting. I like how we get to see more about Gus' other job. I really look forward for the next installment and I think you're doing a great job at keeping the fic in suspense, I still don't even have a clue who to suspect. So great job!
I noticed in the first chapter you had a few run-ons, but I wasn't sure if they were intentional. Even if they were intentional maybe the flow could be re-worked because I had to re-read the lines a few times. They are in the first paragraph of the flash back and the first paragraph in the present.
One other thing I found kind of confusing is how you said 1987 and then the next line was 10 minutes later. It made me wonder 10 minutes from what?
Author's Response:
Gus's workplace is a fun setting to work in, and fraud seemed to make the most sense as a crime (though I have to be vague about how exactly this fraud is working, unclear as I am about the rules itself :) ). Hhahahahaaha, I don't know if it's a good thing that you're not sure who to suspect--I'm probably keeping too much from the reader :] Still, the whodunnit has already been introduced into the story, and hopefully will not come out of left field come chapter 4.
Alright, thanks for the spot. I've got to get to class right now, but once I get back I'll check over those trouble spots. I have a tendency to wax eloquent, which often translates to run-on sentences.
And that (in regards to 10 minutes later), my dear SilentlyRead, will reveal itself in due time *grins*
[Report This]Date: October 23, 2008 8:23 am Title: Chapter 3
Ooooo, Shawn is in trouble, and I suspect Gus is too. This is great! Can't wait for Friday.
Author's Response:
*grins* I love putting them in trouble.
And don't listen to that wretch dragonnan, it will be up on time *glares menacingly down the page at that snit's review*
Thanks so much for taking the time to review!
Date: October 23, 2008 1:44 am Title: Chapter 3
I can't wait for the next chapter. Poor sick Shawn =( I should be studying for my history exam, but I'm reading this. I love it =)
Author's Response: *grins* Hooray! Corrupting good students since 2006 :).
Date: October 22, 2008 7:37 pm Title: Chapter 3
Tsk tsk. That's what you get Shawn. Ogletree was so funny in this. I LOVE that you brought Jerry and Tom back into it, Jerry is so dorky-funny. :)
Author's Response: I absolutely adored the Tom and Jerry shtick in season 1, and I had to bring him back for my own misguided pleasures. I'm so glad others remember the poor fool, and are enjoying it as much as me :). And of course the nefarious Ogletree, who I can imagine spends most of his time lurking around corners and waiting for Guster to make a false move.
Date: October 22, 2008 4:16 pm Title: Chapter 3
Oh maaaaan, I'm loving this so much! I'm really excited that Henry's going to be in the next part! Please update soon :)
Author's Response:
:D
You crazy Henry fans. Hopefully you can wait for some good Henry action until Friday :)
(P.S. don't listen to dragonnan, who sucks)
[Report This]Date: October 22, 2008 3:37 pm Title: Chapter 3
My brain feeling overloaded from all the new info and delicious interactions! First of all, I am completely gape-jawed at the argument between Shawn and Gus- it was deeply painful, and I felt like crying for them both! I was worried about Shawn- who spoke very much out of turn and was only aware of it after the fact- and POOR GUS! He's feeling betrayed and hurt, and completely unwilling to listen to any more crap from his friend. There are no two men more in need of hugs! (though Shawn needs to shange his shirt first.... or just leave it off.... *brain freeze*)
As before, you did spectacular things with the West Coast employees- who truly live and breathe in my head after reading this (must find a way to include one or two of them in my VS- *makes note to self*) I LOVE Ice! She is so awesome- that blended frappachino bitch with a sweet mocha core! Who would have thought?! And just in time she comes to the rescue of our crumbling hero- who continues to slide further downhill. Seriously, that boy needs help! Tissues and a box of Niquil STAT!
It was so many of levels of awesome, how to even begin telling you how much I loved this?
List of things I loved (not in order, too mush whirling to catagorize): Shawn's face copied amidst the piles of filched info, Gus's office papered with filched info, Shawn sleeping on a desk (both times- *squeee!!*), melting Vanilla Ice, THE argument, Shawn dying on the cabinets, Tom, the name Flet- seriously the best bad name ever!, Gus's interrupted/restarted/broken conversation as he was dragging Shawn from his office, "Hi Shawn" "Hi Jerry", MAVERIK!!! (the love!)...
And best of all!!!!
Sick Shawn is forced to talk to daddy!!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I wait until Friday? (or Saturday lol) Chyeah- as if!!
Author's Response:
ASDLFKJALSDKJFSDLFJ, I ASDFLJLOUGIWILLBEDYOUANDMAKEYOUMYBRIDELEJLLBNALEIURQO#UDFALSDKJQO#ULOWURed when I saw your review. And now, coherency: ASDLJLUALWERJUOWLANBLJADSLF.
You have no idea how incredibly delighted I am that you feel sorry for both Shawn and Gus by the end of that argument. I didn't want anyone to hate either by the end of that scene, but I was afraid I was going to do just that. I wanted people to understand both sides, at least to the point that they could forgive Shawn for totally missing what Gus most desired (a man hug), and forgive Gus for ignoring his friend's needs (a man hug).
SUCCESS. And now my day is made.
Also, I had waaaaay too much fun with the side characters/suspects, and my delight that you would even consider using them further on in the VS just makes my heart go *MANIC SMILE*. Alas, there's no icon for that. Ice Cold Vanilla was a particularly fun extra, with her soulless eyes and warm soup. You, my dear, dear dragon-esque creature, with your stoats and threatening weasels, are now and forever living in my heart as the best of people. Or dragon-esque creatures. You seriously made me happy with this review.
But of course you then had to go and negate it all by making that CRACK ABOUT MY DEADLINE MEETING ABILITIES. WHEN I POST CHAPTER FOUR ON TIME, I'M GOING TO DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE (BECAUSE YOU'LL HAVE DIED FROM THE SHOCK). DANCE. DANCE I SAY.
[Report This]Date: October 22, 2008 3:01 pm Title: Chapter 3
Gah, poor Shawn, so sick he can't even think clearly. Though, he does kinda deserve the crap he's getting. I actually really like Vanilla. I can't wait for the next chapter, hopefully Shawn's still alive for it. Though at the rate he's going...
Author's Response:
A logical progression: Shawn = not thinking clearly = frustrated = fun!
Shawn may make it through the chapter break between chapter 3 and 4, but only time will tell, I suppose. He is at a rather bad spot, poor guy. *sympathy face* :(