Date: May 11, 2010 4:54 pm Title: Chapter 1
Wow, confused was really hostile about this fic.
Maybe he/she/it is working on something similar??
Lost's advise was good- a ficlet to sink your teeth in to is a great way to get the hang of things, but, like others have said, writing in the sub page is not the best thing to do. Writing in office or word pad or... umm... something similar (totally fails at remembering program names) gives you the chance to read it all through yourself, as well as the option to send it to others.
Speaking of which- confused, if you're reading- I am the only Frankie I know of the forum so I can't help but assume you were talking about me, and I don't beta in the traditional sense, so who on earth are you to think that I do for you??
Right, let's get serious- this needs editing, that's been established, so forget that for now.
The basic idea of wrong place wrong time is a classic and the ending makes it even better- death fics are kinda rare for this fandom, astonishingly so given how often we involve guns and knives and bombs and earthquakes and zombies and time travel and psychos and.... you get the point.
With a little work and the reinclusion (probably not a word and if it is it's most likely spelt wrong but I've had a long day so I'm pretending not to notice) of the bits you mentioned you had to cut out, this could be a really good read.
If Lost was willing so beta the first bit that she knew about I'm sure she wouldn't mind betaing the whole thing (note how smoothly I offered her services there? ;D), and there's shed loads of people who have had trouble submitting before now who have come up with all kinds of tricks to make the archive play fair who can help with any posting issues you might have.
Actually, if you need help with anything, all you need to do is yell/whistle/post/email/scream/fire a shot gun/kidnap someone, and you'll get whatever you need. So you can wave goodbye to the problems that certain people who shall remain nameless (coz they were too unsure of their own convictions to give a name) were so quick to point out.
Ok, concrit part.
The plot does need some work- again, I know that's been said already, sorry. But the end is kinda confused and the bad guy's motive is confusing, and the flow of the story itself is not exactly fluid.
That having been said, it's nothing that a snappy rewrite wont fix, and it's certainly not a bad effort. I should know, I found one of my old fics the other day and cringed and blushed to see it so it's safe to say I know awful when I see it!
One last thing- don't let people who hide behind annoymous reviews get you down, k?
Date: May 10, 2010 6:37 pm Title: Chapter 1
To confused anonymous: In her and my defense, I beta'd the first part of it, and then she added on without telling me. *glares daggers at Ritz* And it was, after all, her first fic. Ficlet. I told her to try a oneshot to get the hang of it.
Date: May 10, 2010 6:27 pm Title: Chapter 1
Ok, so you're new and you had issues with the site, that goes some way to excusing the problems with this fic, but I have to repeat what has been said before- you need a beta. There are spelling mistakes, and punctuaation and grammer mistakes, and while we're really not nazis here, a bit of consideration for the people who read this is appreciated. I have to be honest, I haven't read all of this properly, simply because I couldn't. It's annoying 'coz from what I could glean, it's a cool idea. I know that you wrote this on the submission page, and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming that that's the reason for the majority of the problems. But I've also seen on the forum that you were directed to wordpad on your PC, meaning there was no reason to write this on the submission page- you could have worked on it, gotten a beta (I use frankie btw) and made it a serial. Something like this would easily go to 2 or 3 chapters.
Don't take any of this personally- I'm not trying to undermine you or your abilty or your confidence, but if this is any indication you do need to put a lot more effort in to your fics
Date: May 09, 2010 7:48 pm Title: Chapter 1
I like the idea...but please please please change the rating to M. Because of the E rating I thought it would be milder than what it was. This was a little much for me in terms of horror/torture, and unfortunately I had to find that out the hard way.
Other than that, I think your writing is good, and whump fans would really enjoy it. Just warn people like me who dislike that sort of thing, okay? Thanks. :)
Date: May 09, 2010 5:53 pm Title: Chapter 1
I hope you can take this review constructively, because I really mean it that way. If you put some work into it, you could make this a really freaky (in a good way), intense fic, but quite frankly, the way it is now, it's rather confusing. The way your formatting was, and the lack of capitalization in your title is an instant turn-off for some people. I know people who won't even read a story if those things are there, so it's very important that you take very much care into them.
First off, the rating on this story is a HUGE problem. I cannot stress enough HOW IMPORTANT RATING IS. Anyone can wander onto the site, and if your fic is rated E, then anyone may decide to read it. But not everyone WANTS to read Shawn's nails getting ripped out, or his tongue being fed to him. These are very disturbing concepts, and while some love whump and love to read things like that (I enjoy whump very much myself), not everyone DOES. So the people who opened your fic will find these things, and it's really not fair to them. They expected to find a fic with little or no swearing, probably no whump, and nothing of this scale. Again, it's just not fair to your readers, and that was my biggest issue with your fic. I'm asking that you change your rating to a strong T, or perhaps an M even. Remember to always choose a rating that suits your fic.
Secondly, your formatting is off. I'm pretty sure that's just PF being a bitch (I have the same problem =]). There are ways to fix it, either by manually adding the paragraph spaces in a second time, or pasting it to wordpad before you paste it to PF. The thing is, when the formatting is like that, it's almost impossible to read. I know it's not your fault, I'm just politely asking you if you could fix it, as to make your fic easier to read for everyone.
The last thing is the fic itself. I'll be honest with you and say that it was hard for me to read. I was extremely confused once the robbers came into the store and took Shawn captive. That transition needed a bit of work (might I suggest a beta? I can say from experience that they work wonders), and it was abrupt as it was. There was also the question of the bad guy's motives. Motives and intentions are EVERYTHING in characters. WHY does a character do what they do? This is one of the most important things in writing, because it's the characters the make the story flow. I didn't understand WHY the bad guys were hurting Shawn. I thought they were only robbers? Why did they suddenly want to torture and kill Shawn? It was confusing. And I'm sorry, but that's what really made this story hard to read: it was confusing. Working at your writing, and perhaps doing a few drafts of one story can help though. Ask yourself what YOU would think of the story if you saw it posted. One other thing that can help is a beta reader, or someone to help you look over your stories before you post them.
I do mean for this to be constructive, I really do. I wish you good luck in your future writings, and I sincerely hope this helps.
Author's Response: thank you, im new i only joined a few days ago so those pointers were nice. i was having an issue with the fact i wasnt able to post more than 1000 charicters or the wedsite would felete the story so i had to delete some parts. i have fixed the rating and the spacing of the story.