Date: January 01, 2015 11:07 pm Title: To Cure A Curse
Hello, congratulations on completing your story!!
This review will be in-depth as it gets into highlighting the fabulousness as well as some critical evaluation. But don't be worried – I'm never harsh and I'm highly supportive!
I plan to pick out parts from a few chapters so please bear with me, haha!!
Good intro of the characters. I didn't find it abrupt at all and thought that you work in their identities very well with the flow of the story. What I felt I was missing, though, was a general introduction to the story itself. It helps set the scene with a little “window dressing” at the start of a story. And this is something I struggle with and only recently have I started making more of an effort to not simply dive right into the story. Think of it as the way the episodes often start with a few establishing shots of Santa Barbara. A few establishing bits of exposition can go a long way!
I don't know who Rebecca is and I'm assuming she's a character from the previous story. Since I haven't read the previous story, she needs a little establishing as well. Right now, she's introduced in the same was as the canon characters of the show. She also comes kinda out of nowhere and I find myself wondering why she's in the scene. Is she another detective? Is she a concerned relative? In the sentence previously, you mention a shy secretary, but it isn't connected enough to the character of Rebecca. If this is one and the same person, a minor edit could fix that.
Suddenly, the door to morgue opened. "Detective?" called Rebecca Williams, their shy secretary. "The Chief needs to see you all right away. There's been another murder."
This way, it introduces her and also gives her a reason to be standing outside the door with Buzz.
I like the unique traits of the killer and it's a good mystery to start off with her having very little motive for choosing her victims other than that they're men. I also like that you give a few clues so that readers can do their own detective work to try to figure out why this person kills the way that she does. It's really fun to try to solve the mystery before the detectives!
"Oh, gosh, Lassie!" Shawn cried.
"What is it, Spencer?"
"You don't even know for sure that she's a woman!"
"I'm...pretty sure that she's a woman, Spencer."
"Are you saying that dudes can't use hot pink stationery, too? Because Gus has a whole drawerful."
BAHAHAHAHA!!!!! LOVED this exchange!!! And this one too!!
"I'll be careful," Lassiter replied, "and I'm going to bring this twisted sister to justice."
"Wow," Shawn said. "You just made THAT reference."
"But it's not close enough, is it? Me, Spencer, Guster.... Even Woody! We're all targets. And I just let a dangerous, and...and insolent murderer slip through my hands!"
ROFL!!! I love that Lassiter called her “insolent” bahahahaha!!!
There is a lot of dialogue in this chapter. It provides a lot of great story information but I also would love to have a bit more descriptive stuff as well just to help set the scene.
I totally love that Gus was pulled into helping the maid while Shawn did basically nothing, haha!!
Okay, I am so behind seeing these characters on an airplane together! I can't remember even reading a fic that featured them together on a plane as part of a long scene, so that is awesome that you did that!
"I can't control myself!" he said. "I can't function at high altitudes without a sufficient amount of protein. I learned that when I got my pilot's license in Nepal. Gus, you know that!"
"You never told me that!" Gus said.
"Oh. Well, I guess it must have been Lassie."
"I don't know what you said, Spencer, and I don't care," Lassiter said without looking up from the notepad on which he was writing.
This is just freaking perfect! Very Psych-esque!! Your banter is totally awesome in this story! I seriously want to highlight every line of dialogue here, it is all so excellent!! Lassie and his “I brought handcuffs” made me laugh aloud!! HAHAHA!!
Very unexpected and major move by Aurora! A great build up and shows that she has flair in addition to being evil lol!
I gotta say, I did not expect the Chief turning into a tiger O.o
The twist with Aurora falling for Gus was a good little dose of unexpected sad and humanizing. And Gus does seem to have a habit of attracting bad girls lol!
All in all, you are really really awesome with dialogue! It is definitely one of your strengths and super valuable as a writing skill. Building up atmosphere can be developed as you go. You've already shown some of that already in this story when you have the characters notice they look of a room or take in important details. Now it's just a matter of building off of that to bring together the entire scene.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for this great review! You gave me a lot of great suggestions that I'm definitely going to try to incorporate into my next story. I really like the way you mentioned the "window dressing" for the story being like the opening shots of Santa Barbara. I never thought of it that way before. I'll try to improve in those areas. I'm really glad you liked the story! And even more glad that you liked the dialogue, because I always worry that my Psych characters will get out of character. Thanks for taking the time to review me! I really appreciate it!
Date: September 11, 2014 11:23 am Title: Signature Style
Rebecca made a hell of a good argument there. Plus the leprechaun thing. I wonder how Vick will take it.
I knew Shawn's ruse to use the bathroom would be to snoop while they were busy. He does love his snooping.
I've also really liked how you don't shy away from goofiness in the dialogue because sometimes it is just so goofy. :)
Author's Response: Rebecca would very much like to thank you for that. She worked on it for quite a long while. :-D I love me some goofy humor, and I really like that about the show. Sometimes they're profound and sometimes they're emotional, and sometimes they're just plain silly. D So thank you. Thank you very much. :-)
Date: June 26, 2014 11:04 pm Title: Eventful Night
Once again, amazing chapter! I'm very curious to see what comes of the chief, and what caused it! :) And I can tell that things are going to be getting very interesting in Japan! You're keeping me hooked, I can't wait for more! :D
Author's Response: Keeping you hooked is half the battle! I can't wait to get the next chapter posted! :-) Thanks for reading!
Date: June 20, 2014 11:37 pm Title: Guessing Games
I absolutely loved this chapter! I have a feeling that this Lichelle girl will end up being trouble :-P And I can't wait to see what comes of the analysis! Looking forward to what comes!
(By the way, I was the person who used to review as BlueMoon. I finally got my own account :)
Author's Response: Well, you're not wrong. ;-) Thanks for reading! And welcome to Psychfic (officially)! I love your username. It made me smile. :-)
Date: June 11, 2014 2:01 pm Title: Surprises
Wow! Great chapter! I first thought the girl would end up being Aurora, but now... I'm so puzzled!
I also can't wait to see what's going on with the chief!
And of course, the Ryokan Hiei is from the good ol' Nancy Drew fandom! I got so excited when I first read that and knew what it was from :-D
Author's Response: I can't say much about the girl because I don't want to spoil it, but I definitely threw that part in there to puzzle you, so I'm glad it worked! I'm happy that you got the reference! I love Nancy Drew, so I knew I had to put that in there when I decided to set the story Japan. :-)
Date: June 05, 2014 9:34 pm Title: Reality
Hmm... I can't help but be pretty worried about the Chief right now. Fur?? :O I can't wait to find out what happens!
I still think the good ol' Psych crew will be able to catch Aurora; no matter how much she tries to disguise herself ;-)
Can't wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response: I really hope you enjoy our little subplot. I'll give you a hint: think of lesser-known mythical creatures. ;-) They always manage to save the day! :-) Thanks for reading!
Date: June 05, 2014 11:12 am Title: Reality
Okay, the chief is growing fur... Interesting.
I have a feeling though that Shawna and Lassie's odds of finding Aurora in Tokyo are better than she thinks.
Author's Response: I had to give Rebecca something to do back in Santa Barbara. It wouldn't do for Lassiter to have an adventure if she didn't get to! :-D Aren't they always? They have the worst/best luck!