Date: October 29, 2015 4:07 am Title: Chapter 1
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Date: February 24, 2014 2:04 pm Title: Chapter 3
Lol I love how Hotch knows everything Shawn and Gus have been doing to the other people on his team. That was very in character. ;) Good job with that.
And this part really amused me a lot:
"Why would you be walking down this alley ever."
"Gus what I do in alley's is my business."
That's so Psych. ;)
Ah! :P What a cliffhanger ending! I can't wait for the next chapter.
Date: February 24, 2014 1:58 pm Title: Chapter 2
You have quite a few grammatical and spelling errors, and things like: "The body had nothing but the one bullet" which doesn't really make sense - I think you meant only one bullet wound and no other clues? - and unfortunately these things are all pretty distracting an ruin the flow as I'm trying to read and enjoy the fic. I wish you would at least try to proofread your own work. I bet you'd catch a lot of these things. ;) Little things like "without" should be one word, not two. I don't know if you'd catch them all or not on your own but I bet Microsoft Word's spellcheck and grammar check would also help you a lot if you paid attention to every green line. :P
I mean like this:
"Seriously?" Rossi asked annoyed. All the others looked annoyed except for Reid and Jareau."
You probably would realize you had an extra quotation mark at the end of the sentence that didn't belong if you proofread it yourself, AND Microsoft Word probably would have marked it with a grammar check green line signifying an error.
Same thing applies completely for your mistake here:
getting lectured my my dad.
But story-wise. I'm loving this. How did Shawn find out about Morgan owning property and having a close friendship with Garcia? I'm curious lol.
I love how he thinks Reid already believes... I personally don't believe that he does. But we'll see.
Why did Juliet say Shawn was humiliating the FBI agents? That doesn't make sense to me. He's annoying them maybe but why would the FBI feel shame at what Shawn's doing - if anything it's Juliet herself and the Santana Barbara Police Department who should feel humiliated by Shawn's silly actions because he's someone they brought onto the case.
When you wrote:
These are who they are going on the street with:
and then had a list it felt more like an author's note or something than part of the story. It felt really awkward/out of place and kind of like bad writing. I would've recommended instead that you explained who went out on the street with who using a paragraph with narration OR you had someone like Chief Vick assign people in this kind of a list format but as part of her dialogue. I think it would've flowed much better in your story.
JJ felt a little out of character to me... too much giggling. I would think she'd be concerned about the locking in a trunk thing, feeling like maybe he'd been abused. Not laughing along with him.
Morgan seems a little too freaked out by Lassiter. I'm surprised Emily would like Gus that much either. It all isn't really fully clicking for me as "yeah, that would totally happen" in my head. I'm more thinking: "Okay, I guess I'll try to suspend my disbelief and go with what you're saying." I am curious to keep reading, though. ;)
The Rossi/Juliet interaction worked best for me out of all of the ones in this chapter. I'll keep reading...
Date: February 24, 2014 1:13 pm Title: Chapter 1
"We have out technical annalist"? Lol I think you meant: "We have a technical analyst." Just noticed that... but um YES this story is amazing so far. I love the idea of these two fandoms meeting. They are actually my 2 current obsessions. And you introduced everything nicely and seem like a really talented writer. :D