Date: June 17, 2015 12:14 pm Title: Unquiet
I want to say I don't usually read death fics, but I was intrigued by yours, so I decided to go for it. This story is so well written, with this eerie disquietude hanging over every word like the cloud of a coming storm.
Right off the bat, I get this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach:
The floorboard creaked as his blue sneaker tentatively placed a step onto it. Thankfully, the noise it made was quite small. After pausing for a short while and hearing no acknowledgement of the sound from any other living thing, he continued his stealthy entrance into the house.
To imagine Shawn sneaking around alone, forcing himself to be as quiet as possible, I feel like I'm holding my breath along with him as he waits to hear if anyone heard and will respond to that tiny squeak.
And I see it's for good reason that Shawn is nervous, and yet acting on his own because of his own good nature to help people:
Shawn knew he probably shouldn't have come alone. He knew that he should have faked a vision so that Lassiter and Juliet could handle it. They'd be able to make the connection with his guidance. But he also knew that they were a part of the police department, a part of the law. They would have to get a warrant, and that took an indeterminable amount of time. He knew that the fact that there were suspicious noises meant that someone, or multiple someones, didn't have that time.
Finding out about who this career criminal is and what he's done makes my blood run chill too—and all the more fearful for what Shawn is knowingly walking into. Still, I have a kind of respect for Shawn for following his instincts, even if he just wants the glory of being a hero later.
Worrying now about the open window, and Shawn's somewhat smug attitude about it. He's sickened by the man's crimes, and knowing what he's doing isn't the best of his ideas—and on top of that, no one knows where he is or what he's doing (!!!)—but yet he's still underestimating the criminal. *bites nails*
OMGOMGOMGOMG!!! Wow! I really loved how Shawn continues to question what he's doing during the descent into the pitch black basement, but how he—and the reader—know that he's not turning back. He's sealed his own fate, which is chilling in of itself. And how freaky that the victim resembles Shawn to the point of the killer actually assuming she and Shawn are related. *gets the mad chills*
The last two lines were so, if you'll excuse the pun, killer. I mean, totally shocking but also with this punch of a bittersweet nature—a relief for Shawn that his best friend is safe and this dark acceptance that he's going to die down there for all his good intentions. *shivers* So good. *gets tissues* Thanks for sharing this!
Author's Response: Thank you for leaving such a detailed review! I love it when people write detailed reviews. Once I established that Gus wasn't there when I first started writing, I had that last line in my head, but it was getting there that keep switching. When I was writing the living room, kitchen, etc. I was thinking about him taking out his phone and being about to call the police when it's smashed out of his hand. That never happened. Whoops. You should have been worried about the open window. I wrote it like that because, though it didn't occur to Shawn (poor him), I thought that maybe the reader would think something of it. Like, what if Kodack left it open on purpose, so he knows exactly where an intruder will come from? If I just had him break in somehow, it wouldn't have that effect. Shawn would definitely be the kind of person to do something dangerous if he believes that it's for a good cause. I mean, in the show, he sneaks into places all the time. We know from The Polarizing Express that he usually checks for cameras, so he has less of a chance of being caught, but, when it is a criminal's base of operations or something similar, he has no way to know if they'll be there or if guards will be there. But he does it anyway. I feel like the part where he's questioning self is partly fear, but also partly doubt. He missed the open window's meaning, and so his brain is questioning itself, nagging itself to think of that. I'm not entirely sure why I made Tessa look like Shawn. Maybe so it would be creepier. I mean, this entire thing was meant to be unsettling. Yeah, I'll just go with that *looks around nervously* By the way, I like that pun. Thank you again!
Date: June 14, 2015 9:44 pm Title: Unquiet
Ooo, intriguing start! Keep 'em coming!
Author's Response: Actually, this was only a one shot. I could have put some whump in this and entered it for Whumpathon, but I just wanted to see what it would be like if Shawn was just killed. Not a whumpy death, but just plain murdered. I'm happy you enjoyed this, though!