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Story Notes:

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Promise.

Idea came from patster and CK's "drunk" prompt from Saturday's chat. I don't know how true to form this is, as I don't have a lot of experience being drunk or being around drunk people. Even if it doesn't completely work and it's kind of a mess, it was still fun.  :)

 

Also, I'm sorry if the spacing is weird. Formatting and I are not friends after 1 AM.

    "And a job well done, all of you. Spencer, I can't believe you just pulled that receipt out of nowhere. Without it, Carlton would probably still be driving to San Francisco."
    "Hey."
    "It's my sixth sense, Chief. Use it or lose it. No need to congratulate me."   

    After yet another long and extremely complicated case was solved, Chief Vick was left with a satisfied high. As of that evening it hadn't yet worn off, and on a generous whim she had decided to take her detectives (Gus included) out for a drink. She nodded appreciatively in Shawn's direction for his somehow modest-sounding statement and waved over a waiter.
    "Another round!" she called, grin still plastered on her face. With the baby at home and work getting more demanding, she'd realized she hadn't been out in a long time. Even if it wasn't entirely appropriate, it was nice to be out with...friends. If her coworkers counted as friends.


    Juliet, who was glad to even be asked somewhere, was sitting on the edge of her seat, face glowing. She'd ordered herself a special drink and was happily slurping the neon fluid out of a swirly straw. Shawn had stolen the festive umbrella that was in the corner of it and put it behind his ear. Gus, who was sipping one of the drinks Vick had ordered to the table, was watching Juliet with an interested eye. "Do you even know how much alcohol is in that?" he asked, looking over. "I've never even heard of that drink." Juliet answered with a wave of her hand and an eye-roll.


    "Shall we have a toast?" Shawn proposed, standing from his seat. Lassiter, in unusually high spirits (probably because he'd gotten to discharge his gun that afternoon) raised his stein in agreement. "To the Santa Barbara Police Department: None better, damned few as good." Lassiter nodded once and took another sip of his drink. Juliet giggled- Gus wondered again what exactly was in her drink. The chief knocked glasses with Shawn.
    The waiter returned. Vick ordered another round (Lassiter helped pay this time), and Shawn, not noticing, continued to nurse his drink. Gus waved the waiter over and motioned to Juliet. "I want one of whatever she's having."
    Shawn rolled his eyes. "That's such a girl drink, dude. Bright pink. With flowers and an umbrella. But hey- I dibs the pineapple wedge, if it comes with one."

Fifteen Minutes Later

    Chief Vick and Detective Carlton Lassiter were engaged in a very intense conversation. The fact that the bar was filling up with people didn't seem to bother them, either.


    "But he didn't have a gun!"
    "But it was in his back pocket!"
    "But you can't fit a gun in your back pocket!"
    "They were overalls!"
    "NO."
    "YES."


    Shawn continued to nurse his drink, quietly observing his surroundings. There were eleven hats in the bar. Nine were baseball caps. Two of those nine were being worn backwards. Juliet was working on her ostentatious bright pink drink. This had to have been her third. She was swinging her legs back and forth like a young child, and was leaned fully over her drink on the table. Shawn was worried that she was going to get her hair in it, and was thinking about finding her a bobby pin or something. Gus probably had one- he was an amateur lock picker.

    "How's your drink, Jules?"
    "Hmwha?"
    "Your drink."
    "Oh! That! Yep. I like it. It's good. It's really fruity but it's completely delicious and I really think you should try some. SHAWN! Try some."
    "Nope, I'm good, actually."
    "BUT IT'S SO GOOD."


    Shawn fidgeted in his chair as he waited for Gus to return from the bathroom. Apparently, Juliet's favorite drink had gone right through Gus. He'd had four to Juliet's three, and had been in the bathroom for the last couple of minutes. He wasn't quite himself either- it was almost a relief that he was in the bathroom. But at least there wasn't any Goldschlager. Or goats. Someone else had walked in. Twelve hats. Ten baseball caps.


    "OVERALLS DON'T HAVE BACK POCKETS, CARLTON."
    "OH YEAH?"
    "YEAH."
    "Ooh! Who has overalls? I can't wear overalls, I look really silly, actually, nobody can wear overalls...who's wearing overalls OH MY GOD CARLTON don't tell me you were wearing overalls! Do you have pictures? I once wore overalls as a dare and somebody took SO many pictures of me at college and I made my roommate burn the pictures but we got cited for arson but it didn't go on my record, I promise."


    Shawn took another sip of his drink. Looking up, he saw Gus returning from the bathroom- slowly but surely. Gus bumped into a table on the way back, and there was no way on earth he would have passed the alphabet test. Just for kicks, Shawn decided to try.


    "Hey, Gus. You're our designated driver, right?"
    "Shawn, I don't know HOW I could be your designated driver. I don't feeeel wellllll."
    "Say the alphabet."
    "A, B, C, D, E...dammit, Shawn, E! What's after E? SHAWN! E!"
    "F..."
    "G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-"
    "O..."
    "P. It's P, Shawnnnn, it's P."
    "Say the alphabet backwards."
    "A, B, C...you're trickin' me, Shawn."
    "Hm. No, I don't think you can drive for us."
    "MY COMPANY CAR!"


Thirty Minutes Later


    Juliet was almost asleep on Shawn's shoulder, and she kept mumbling incoherently. One of her strangely shaped glasses of pink alcohol had tipped over during a tussle between Vick and Lassiter, and her shirt had become collateral damage in the spill. There was no way that stain would be coming out.


    "Shawn I d-d-dom't wannago to prison...my cats are- mmm chapstick? Shawwwwwn I need..."
    "Hm?"
    "Not- no driving for meeeee, no sir..."


    He frowned and patted her on the shoulder. If he were feeling any more sly, he would have gotten her to agree to some ridiculous thing, but he had to take pity on her in this state. She obviously wasn't right in the head.


    Gus was flirting with another girl at the bar, with very little luck. Unfortunately he said more than he probably wanted when intoxicated. "YOU'RE pretty. You're SO pretty. Really. SO pert- pet-pretty. Yeah."
    Shawn laughed to himself and rubbed Juliet's arm. It had become apparent that she had a very low tolerance for alcohol. Vick and Lassiter were still arguing, but their argument had become very confused.
    "TIMES A THOUSAND."
    "A ZILLION."
    "NO!"
    "YES!"
    The chief gasped loudly and swung her hand over her mouth, knocking over a pitcher in the process. "No..."
    "Ewwwwwwwwww."
    "But I donnnn't knoww- kn-how could he do that? It's not right." She shook her head very slowly, as if trying to turn her head all the way around. Shawn laughed. He would be the only one to remember any of this tomorrow.     Juliet picked up her empty glass sitting on the table and sucked uselessly at the straw, head still resting on Shawn's shoulder.

    "Shawn, it's a swirllly straw...it's swwwwwwirrrly. I like it. Do you want it?"
    "Nope, still good. You keep your straw." For once, Shawn felt like the mature one. Juliet could be the little kid today.
    "Mmmkay. It's delicious."
    "Do you want to go home?"
    "Mmmmmmmm...maybe. Yep."

    Shawn realized that nobody here would be getting home by themselves. Gus could crash at his apartment, but Jules, Lassiter, and Chief Vick would have to get home somehow. He'd get to drive Gus's company car.
    He'd get to drive Gus's company car ANYWHERE he wanted.
    He could leave Lassiter at a 7-11. Drop Gus off at a Chuck-E-Cheese. Take Karen Vick- well, he'd take her and Jules home. But with the keys, his possibilities were endless. He grinned.

    For once, Shawn was going to be the designated driver- and he couldn't help but feel drunk with power.

Chapter End Notes:
Shawn's toast is a family toast- but I think it suits him too.


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