I hope that you never have to read this note. If you are, I know what that and first and foremost I want you to stop blaming yourself. Whatever happened to me is not your fault so stop telling yourself that. Secondly, always remember that I love you and have always been proud of you.
You’ve always been a curious, insightful girl. When you were little you’d ask about your dad, and I’d ignore them. Eventually, you stopped asking. The truth is, I lost track of your father. I wasn’t the only one to leave home right after high school. By the time I found him, you had stopped asking and I justified not telling you by saying we were fine all on our own. I hope that you’ll someday forgive me for not telling you. I guess you’re a little overdue for an explanation huh?
Would you believe me if I told you that I was a little rebellious in high school? Yes, your mother, rebellious. Beginning of senior year there was this boy, and for some reason I feel for him. I don’t know what it was, the way his eyes sparkled when he looked at me or the way he always knew when the best time to skip a class was. Maybe it was the way he celebrated the most random things or he always seemed to know when I was having a bad day. I played hard to get, truth was I’d never felt that way about a guy before. I think I was scared. Finally, I said yes to a date and the next few months were magical, like a fairy tale.
Sadly this one wouldn’t have a happy ending. One night we did some things we shouldn’t have and I ended up sitting next to him in a holding cell. Done letting your jaw drop? Ok, moving on…
I ran away as soon as I graduated, ran away from him, from the memories, from everything. Well not quite everything. November came and with it one of the greatest days of my life, the day you were born. You have his eyes and his smile. You inherited a few other things from him as well, but find those out from yourself.
Now would be a good time to mention that he doesn’t know. After that night, I didn’t speak to him. I was young and angry and stupid. Maybe I was a little selfish too, forgive me if you’re reading this Shawn.
Yes, your father’s name is Shawn Spencer. When you were ten, he moved back home to Santa Barbara and started a business with his childhood best friend. With this letter, you should be given a binder. For years, I’ve been printing off and saving articles for you. If I told you what he does, what type of business he owns, you wouldn’t believe me so read it for yourself.
You know, it’s odd writing a note like this trying to think of any wisdom, anything I want to tell you. Oh, if you do decide to go find him, please get a better car than Clunker.
I wish that you didn’t have to read this; I wish I’d had this conversation with you. I wanted to wait until you were 18, til you were an adult. Not that you weren’t already, but it was one way I could hold on to my baby girl.
Shawn, if you are reading this, I’m sorry I didn’t contact you, didn’t tell you myself. I’m sorry that I let all these years slip by without you in her life. I hope that she finds you and that there are plenty of moments for the two of you. Take care of her for me.
I love you Sydney, I’ve loved you from the moment I knew you were there. All of your accomplishments, all of your triumphs, I’ve been so proud. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t ever forget and don’t blame yourself.
All my love,