Chapter 9- Torn to Pieces (July-August)

I’m torn to pieces, I’m broken down
I still see your face when you’re not around
I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be
Half the man you wanted me to be

Pop Evil- "Torn to Pieces"

            Henry stormed into the Sheriff's station with one goal in mind; kick the ever loving crap out of the officer who had assaulted his son. Shawn had been brought out on a stretcher only a few minutes before and Henry had stayed  just long enough  to make sure he was going to be alright before he attended to some business.

            Unfortunately, Carlton had anticipated his rage and blocked his way to the room where the cowed officer was sitting, currently being talked to by his superiors. "Henry, don't."

            It had been Carlton himself that told him the news of where his son was and what had happened. He couldn't believe it at first. Tasers were usually used as a last "non lethal" line of defense because of the harm they caused the human body. In Shawn's case, it had triggered a grand mal seizure and caused two wounds on his back that were barely bandaged by the Sheriff's office wounds that now had a danger of becoming infected.

            Someone was going to pay.

            "Out of the way Lassiter!" He tried to push past but the detective wouldn't move. Puffing out his chest, he pointed at the room full of officers. "You tell them to get out here and explain how the hell my son got thrown in jail and tasered just for walking funny or I'm going in there myself!" The commotion caught everyone's attention, including the people in the room. Henry saw the young officer look his way. "Yeah! That's right pal! You are going to be sued off your ass for this one, you incompetent little−"

            "Henry, stop! It's being dealt with. Chief Vick is talking to the Sheriff now and they're going through everything." Henry now saw Karen's blond hair in the mix, but Carlton still wouldn't move out of the way. "I'll stay here and let you know what happens. Go get O'Hara and let her know Spencer was found."

            He hissed a breath out through his clenched teeth. Of course Carlton would play the sympathy card. He knew Henry wouldn't want to leave Juliet in the dark, especially with how worried she'd been. "Alright, but this isn't over. Those people aren't going to get away with this!"

            With that, Henry walked away, his anger the only thing keeping him from breaking down in relief. When he was on the force, he'd never shot first and asked questions later, even with a 'non lethal' alternative. If they were hiring these kind of trigger happy kids, he feared for the safety of the general public.

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            Henry paced back and forth next to Shawn's bed as Maddie, Juliet, and Gus watched Shawn's still form. He'd been unconscious since he'd been brought back from the Sheriff's Office and the doctors were currently examining him for any new injuries. Maddie could barely take the strain on her nerves. Shawn had been doing so well and who knows what this could have done to him, and all because of a deputy who judged her son too quickly.

            After finding out what had happened, she'd personally called the Sheriff and demanded that Officer Bowden be put on suspension. The Sheriff said that despite Maddie's standing with the police department, she didn't have the clout to request a suspension of one of his officers. However, one visit from a furious Karen Vick was all it took for the officer to be put on two weeks leave pending a full investigation.

            They could tell from Carlton's report as well as the arresting officer's own official report of the incident that the officer was at fault and had accosted Shawn without any reasonable suspicion other than he was, "Walking unsteadily down the street..."

            Now, much to her ex-husband's chagrin, they'd had to call Dr. Keizer back in to assess the damage the Taser may have caused to Shawn's already compromised nervous system. Since he was already familiar with Shawn's case, he had been the most logical choice.

            "His vitals seem normal, but we should keep an eye on him for a couple of days to make sure there are no complications. He just needs to rest for now," Dr. Keizer stated, patting Shawn's arm lightly.

            Maddie smiled at the doctor. She'd always liked him because she knew his impassive attitude was just a way of keeping his professional distance. She understood that more than Henry did, because she often had to do the same thing herself. The horror stories she would hear from traumatized police officers were often enough to bring her to tears if she hadn't had the training necessary to stay professional and impartial.

            Henry glared at Dr. Keizer as he exited before looking back to his son. "For God's sake kid! Why the hell did you leave the hospital?"

            She leaned over Shawn and placed a hand on his brow. "Oh Goose. We thought you liked it here."

            Gus nervously eyed Henry for any more outbursts before he tentatively added, "Maybe something happened that made him feel unsafe? Like the girl in the hallway on his first day here. You think?"

            "No." Henry said firmly. "Shawn would have said−" He paused and corrected himself, "Would have tried to say something. Believe me, if Shawn wanted to tell you something bad enough, you'd know."

            That statement caused a chuckle from both Maddie and Gus, who knew that was true enough. Shawn did always have a way of getting his point across. She looked over at Juliet, who wasn’t laughing, and frowned in concern. "Juliet, dear, what's wrong?"

            Not taking her eyes off Shawn, Juliet said, "A few weeks ago, Shawn had an accident in physical therapy and I came to see him..." She hesitated before continuing. "No, he asked to see me." Maddie didn't see anything strange about that, but Juliet continued. "He actually looked really excited, and he kept trying to say something."

            Gus' eyes widened in realization. "You think he was trying to tell you something important."

            "Right. He got really upset when he couldn't get it out. I'd never seen him like that. He threw things and the nurse had to come in for him to calm down." Juliet looked at the others. "You guys really didn't see anything different about him before he ran?"

            There were a couple head shakes in the room, but Gus wasn't one of them. He just hung his head lower, obviously ashamed. "I did. It was around the time I was trying to get my full pharmacist certification. I was stressing over it big time. He was being really annoying, poking at my book, not letting me study."

            Maddie turned to Henry with a hopeful expression. "Henry, didn't you say Shawn was trying to be more vocal the past couple weeks?"

            Henry sagged forward in his chair as all eyes focused on him. "I dunno Madds. Maybe we're wrong. Maybe we really are trying to see something that isn't there with Shawn."

            "Henry..." Maddie protested. She'd worked with Shawn and Henry had been one of the most adamant supporters that Shawn would get better. Seeing him give up like this was very out of character.

            "Think about it. Our son has brain damage and we're trying to use logic to figure out his behavior. What if there is no logic in it? What if Shawn is really just acting out randomly whenever his brain misfires?" Henry's face fell in defeat, realizing he'd finally voiced the opinion that had been eating at his mind for since the accident.

            The rest of them, Gus, Juliet and herself, couldn’t say much to disprove that. Maddie knew that no one wanted to believe it, but they were all thinking it, and Henry had been the first one to say it. After months of hoping, Shawn's recovery had hit a plateau and she reasoned that he really wasn't going to get any better than this. As a mom though, she wanted to see her son recover. Wanted him to beat the odds and be one of the miracles of nature that happened every once in a blue moon. Now, it looked like it really wasn't going to happen.

            Maddie stood up and touched Shawn's hair one more time. "You all look really tired, how about I watch Shawn so you all can get some rest? He won't be waking up for a while anyway."

            The others in the room stood as well, knowing she was right, and with the smile she got from Juliet, realized she wanted some time with her son. Juliet walked over and gave her a hug. "Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow."

            She turned to go but Maddie stopped her from leaving, "You are a good woman, and I can tell that Shawn loves you very much."

            Her eyes began to mist up and she nodded. "I know Mrs. Spencer. I just hope he knows how much I love him."

            "I am sure he does dear."

            Gus walked up to them and gave Maddie a nod before taking Juliet's arm. "C'mon, I'll drive you back to the station to get your car."

            Once the two younger people left, it was just her and Henry in the room with their son.

            Henry approached her, looking sad and apologetic. "Listen, Madds. I'm sorry I said that. I was just upset and−"

            Maddie put a hand on his cheek, silencing his apology. "Henry, you're under a lot of stress. It's okay, I understand."

            He surprised her by leaning into her touch. After their encounter during his recovery when he had been shot, Henry had been incredibly shy towards any more physical contact between the two of them. She had a sense that Shawn was responsible for some of that, but it gave her some hope that he was accepting her comfort.

            "I know that. I just don't know how to help him."

            She nodded, understanding. "We'll know more when he wakes up. Go get some rest and I'll keep you updated, alright?"

            “Alright.”

            She watched as Henry walked out of the room before going to sit on the edge of Shawn’s bed. “Goose, I’m sorry all this had to happen. I wish I could have helped you more but−” Maddie stopped herself from continuing.

I can’t blame myself.

She didn’t trust herself not to cry if she continued talking, so she sat and waited for him to wake up, stroking his hair like she did when he was a child. Maybe she couldn't blame herself for him ending up this way, but she sure could feel guilty as hell for not seeing her son was in distress sooner.

With a deep sigh, she made herself more comfortable on the bed and waited.

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The headache was the first thing that Shawn noticed when he started to come around. It throbbed steadily with every one of his heartbeats, making him wince and groan loudly. It was almost like waking up after one of his seizures. He felt groggy and disoriented for a few minutes before his brain kick-started and things slowly started coming back to him. He was in the hospital again, that was for sure. He could tell by the smell.

His room was also bursting with people now competing for his attention, asking if he was okay.

"He's waking up!"

"Shawn! Can you hear me?"

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Goose we were so worried about you!"

What happened? Did I get him? His mind hadn't quite caught up with the present, and he wondered if he'd gotten the proof he needed. "Wh−wh−" Shawn realized it wasn't just grogginess after a minute. His brain felt like it was filled with cotton. He shook his head and took a deep breath trying to clear it. A glance at the IV connected to him explained things. Drugs.

"Shawn. Hey." Someone broke from the pack and gripped his hand. Shawn looked to see Juliet's sad face. "I'm so glad you're okay."

Then, suddenly his dad was towering over him like a pit bull, ready to bite his head off. The last time he'd seen his father so mad was when he was ten and had snuck out of the house with his uncle Jack to see a midnight movie. "Just what do you think you were doing Shawn?"

Surprisingly, his mother elbowed Henry hard, and glared venomously. "You promised."

Shawn winced and turned away as his memories trickled back as the clouds in his mind cleared. All that time, all that planning and work, and he'd gotten nothing. Absolutely nothing on Trevor Jones. Hell, he hadn't even made it more than half a mile before being caught. I'm never getting out of here am I?

Gus came forward, blocking his view of his fighting parents. "Shawn, why did you leave? Were you trying to tell us something? You don't like it here?"

He had to give Gus props for trying, but he was way off the mark.

The problem was, all he had to do was say one sentence. 'Trevor Jones is a murderer.' He couldn't say his own name let alone someone else's, so it was no use. He felt silent and useless. One of the only things that Shawn had always wanted in his life was to be useful, and he couldn't do that anymore. He was a cripple, stuck in a hospital playing with puzzles and having people misinterpret everything he did.

It was a living nightmare, one that Shawn now knew he'd never get out of. He felt tears fall from his eyes and stared at the ceiling, this time welcoming the enveloping darkness that would take him away from the world, for a short time at least.

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One week later, and Shawn's friends and family were more worried than they had ever been about his mental health. He'd all but stopped trying to communicate, stopped participating in therapy, and stopped trying to do things for himself. The doctor had said it was regression, and happened sometimes after traumatic accidents, but Gus knew Shawn better than the doctors. He'd simply shut down.

When things became too hard, when he became too upset at the world, Shawn tended to go emotionally numb. It was no different than what was going on now. The question that Gus kept asking himself was why? It was a question that everyone was asking, but the only person that could tell them was Shawn. So, they were stuck.

Juliet came and visited him more often, and he'd heard Carlton comment that it was now starting to affect her work. They'd kept that piece of information from Shawn, though. If he understood that Juliet was sacrificing her career to take care of him, it could destroy him even more.

As it was, Gus was having a hard time keeping his visits up while attending classes for a pharmacy degree. It was going to be a couple years before he had it, but after a lot of thought, he reluctantly realized that he wasn't going to go back to Psych any time soon. He missed it terribly though.

"Shawn," Gus addressed his friend as he sat in the room watching TV. "What do you want to watch? American Duo's reruns are on."

Nothing. Not even a blink.

"Is he doing okay?"

After the silence of sitting with Shawn, the voice made him jump and squeal before he realized it was Juliet. "Oh my God, you're like a ninja."

"I'm wearing my silent shoes today," she joked back. Her eyes settled on Shawn. "How is he doing?" she whispered.

"The same," Gus said back quietly and felt horrible when her face fell. "You know, I've got to get going. I have class in the morning."

Juliet's smile told him that she'd gotten the hint that he was giving them some alone time. "Thanks Gus. Want to have coffee tomorrow morning?"

"Sure. I'd like that, I'll pick Shawn up a smoothie while I'm at it." Gus lightly nudged Shawn, and his heart sank when his arm moved away from the contact. "Well, uh... I'd better go."

"See you tomorrow Gus."

Gus waited till he was around the corner to slump over and walk slowly down the hallway, defeated and clueless as to what to do to help Shawn. When he passed the commons area, a young man approached him. He was surprised because he'd never had the chance to talk to anyone else there. 

"Is Shawn going to be okay?" The young man asked. Gus looked behind him and saw that half the room was looking at him, waiting for an answer.

Wow, he does make a lot of friends. It lifted his spirits somewhat and he replied, "I hope so. He's really upset."

"Next time you see him, tell him I've been carrying around my beads, just in case."

It was probably the weirdest thing that anyone had ever said to him, but Gus played along. "Okay. I'll tell him."

The kid smiled and walked back to the table.

Shaking his head, Gus continued to the door. He hoped something would happen to get Shawn out of his funk, before he truly lost his best bud forever.

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Shawn had been planning on dozing for the rest of the night, despite Juliet's presence. He just couldn't bring himself to care anymore. That was, until a commercial for "Elect Trevor Jones" came on.

"Mayor Swaggerty has voted for funding cuts for our police departments. In our small city, we have more murders per capita than any city in the United States.

If elected, Trevor Jones vows to clean up the streets, fund the police department, and support it's employees.

For a better, safer Santa Barbara, elect Trevor Jones."

That's when he lost it. The pent up rage, the frustration, everything came spewing out the only way he could. He started throwing his dinner at the TV.

"So−m bi−" His Salisbury steak actually stuck to the TV, leaving a short slimy trail of sauce down the front of that grinning murderer's face.

"Shawn! NO!" Juliet grabbed his hand and halted the tossing of his corn and spoon. He turned his head away and grunted in frustration. "What's the matter with you! Look at me Shawn!"

"No."

"I love you." Juliet was almost sobbing, and it broke his heart into tiny bits of glass that seemed to dig into his chest. "God, do you understand anything I'm even saying? Do you still love me Shawn? Do you?"

            Closing his eyes, he gripped the sheet and forced himself to breathe evenly. Please just go away. His muscles started to shake from how tightly he was holding his fists closed. I can't do this right now. I can't do anything. Just leave me alone.

            "Shawn please !" Juliet begged grabbing his hand again. "Would you just look at me?"

            Shawn still refused to even glance in her direction. It would make what he had to do harder if he had to see the hurt in her eyes. He wanted nothing more than to be selfish and keep Juliet with him, but she deserved more. More than a useless boyfriend who could barely feed himself. More than having to spend every afternoon cooped up in a hospital room. She deserved more than him.

            He ripped his hand away from hers. "Go."

            "Shawn?" He looked at her, knowing he shouldn't. She had backed up a few steps from the bed. Her blue eyes had tears in them. "You don't mean that...do you?"

            Shawn couldn't say anymore. He tried to keep his breathing steady, as he picked up the last of his dinner still in his reach, a pudding. Just do it you coward! She'll find someone better, and have little Jules babies, and be happy, finally happy.  "Get−out!" He shouted hoarsely, and let the pudding fly.

            Even though she was surprised, she dodged the projectile with ease and stared at him in disbelief, and betrayal before running out of the room crying.

            She was barely gone a few seconds before Shawn broke down, glad that no one else was there to see it. He could barely breathe and his hands hurt. Everything had gone so wrong, and all he'd ever tried to do was good. Was this a punishment for years of lying, despite the intentions behind it? Was he being cosmically reprimanded?

            As if to answer him, when he opened his eyes again, the objects in the room held a halo like glow, signaling an oncoming "epileptic episode" as the doctors liked to call it. They never called it for what it was: his brain was fried. He'd never be able to drive, or take care of himself again. His life from now on was to be just a burden on everyone around him.

            He'd barely had a chance to quickly press the nurse button and lay down before he blacked out, with one last depressed thought.

            Why didn't I just die..?

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            Henry let his head rest on the back of his couch, completely at a loss on what to do with his son. The doctors said that for some reason Shawn was on a downward spiral, and they couldn't explain why.

            At first everyone thought it was because of the his injuries from his escape and those incompetent officers. But now, there was nothing physically wrong with him and he was getting worse. He refused to do physical therapy at all, didn't even look at anyone who came to visit him and a distraught Juliet had called him the day before saying that Shawn had actually thrown something at her.

            There has to be a reason, some reason... Shawn would never hurt Juliet, or any woman for that matter. Maybe Shawn really is gone.

            The phone ringing woke Henry suddenly. He hadn't even realized he'd been falling asleep. Wiping his face he grabbed at his phone and grumbled a tired, "Hello?"

            "Hello, Mr. Spencer?" A male voice asked.

            "Yes I'm Henry." He sat up straighter, hoping it wasn't the clinic saying there was something wrong with Shawn.

            "It's great to finally be able to speak to you, Mr. Spencer. My name is Trevor Jones, and I'd like to ask permission to talk to your son."