***DO NOT READ IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED BY DARK THOUGHTS AND MENTIONS OF SUICIDE!***
A/N: So this is a little one-shot I wrote about Gus during his high school years. I know that school can be veer frustrating for some kids and I think it would have been pretty hard on Gus. Also you could almost look at it as to how he got interested in pharmaceuticals.
I feel like I'm drowning.
All my life everyone has expected me to be perfect. My grades should be perfect, I should act polite, and be nice, and grow up and go to a nice college and get a good job.
It was never an option. I was thrown into a pool of expectations and that I managed to stay afloat in for a while, but now, eleven years in, I'm starting to sink.
School has always been somewhat stressful for me. In elementary it wasn't as bad. I was teased and bullied but the work was easy and the teachers liked me and I liked learning so it was ok to go. In middle school things took a turn for the worst. The assignments got a little hard but not that bad except all the kids seemed to suddenly all team up against me. In my seventh grade year, it seemed the whole school knew me, but almost no one knew me by my real name, just the cruel nicknames they'd curse out to me in between passing periods. High school cleared up some of the bullying and torture up to a point where I could at least stand it. The schoolwork was finally challenging. My feet began to drag a little but it was alright.
Now, here, my junior year, and I wished someone had warned me how bad it could be and to not have plowed into the advanced courses. For some kids, it's not too bad. A few Pre-AP classes, some homework, but all together is good. They have to do stuff after school without having to worry about hordes of homework and study while socializing and attempting to get some sleep at night. However those kids aren't taking three dual credit classes (that is, college courses taken in high school in order to earn both high school and college credit), AP Calculus, Pre-AP Physics, two Engineering classes and a couple electives all at once. The dual credit classes include Comp I, US HIST, and Psychology. When I signed up, I figured it would be like any other year. The courses would be challenging, but not impossibly so, but I'd still maintain an A if not a high B. Sounds easy as it can be, right?
It's only a few weeks from the end of the semester and the tip of my Titanic is about to hit the iceberg. As stressful as it is, I'm doing fine in all of my other classes, except one. US HIST. This teacher decided our final grade would be based only on six essays and four tests.
Who knew that by not turning in TWO LOUSY essays could possibly change my life forever.
Technically, I am passing with an 83 right now, one of the highest grades in the class. However that is only based on three exams and one essay. Three assignments haven't been graded yet, not that it would matter because I didn't do two of them. Two more essays are still due coming up.
With some calculations, even if I were to get a 100 on every upcoming assignment or essay I would still fail. Which means paying back the tuition, having a FAILING grade on both my high school and college transcript, and have to do credit recovery, which i just embarrassing.
Having a failing grade would lower my GPA, which would take me out of Top Ten. Being out of Top Ten would mean that I probably won't get into any good colleges, which means I won't get a good job, which will make me a failure in my friend's and families eyes who have always said I have such "GREAT" potential.
I can possibly drop the class but I doubt they'll let me just because of bad grades.
I've failed myself and my family. They don't know anything, as the college classes don't show up on progress reports and report cards. But I'm a disappointment now, which is the worst possible thing I can think of.
I cry myself to sleep each night now, wishing to drown in my own tears. I'm extremely depressed and yet no one seems to notice.
It makes me wonder if my facade is that good or if my "friends" are just not good enough to care.
I no longer am interested in the things that made me happy. I have trouble sleeping, I'm forgetting everything, I have no appetite and I feel sad all the time no matter what.
Some drugs would be great right now. Something strong to make me not care and stress and be able to relax, whatever that means.
I giggle. Maybe if all else fails I could go into pharmaceuticals. I hear it doesn't take much to get into it. My own safety net.
I wish I would have stopped caring several years ago like Shawn. It would have save me from so much hurt. I would be praised for actually doing right rather than being expected to always be perfect.
My mind is numb yet feels like exploding at the same time. I wish I could just snap and be free from the prison of my mind.
I'm suffocating and I wish I could end my life now. Save myself and family from the disappointment that's sure to come.
Nothing can possibly be worse than disappointment. I've already been feeling it in myself for a while now.
Nothing anyone can say or do can pull me out of this feeling.
Ending my life seems so easy and like it's cheating, which I've always been against.
Which would only bring more disappointment to my family anyway.
Not that I would fill any emotions by then.
A/N: Ok so I know I wrote this to be from Gus's viewpoint and thoughts, but they are all completely 100% my own ones right now. I can't breath, I feel like I'm drowning and nothing good will ever happen again. Whoever thought it was cool to let school drive a person to madness? I feel helpless with nearly no friends to turn to anymore.