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Story Notes:

The story is broken up into chapters based on where the commercial breaks were.

Anything in brackets [] are my own comments concerning something I did not understand or something I changed slightly because the actors said the line wrong (or I heard it wrong).

This is a transcript of the episode. The characters, words, and plots belong  to the writers and USA Network, I just copied them down.

Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead.

Flashback 1987

It is a dark and stormy night and an old Science Fiction movie is being played on the TV. HENRY and a lady (presumably Shawn’s MOM) sit on the couch watching the movie.

MOM: Hun, I am going to go get a drink.

HENRY: Want to get me one too, sweetie?

MOM: OK.

YOUNG SHAWN is seen peering into the room to watch the TV. HENRY hears a creek and turns around, but SHAWN has moved behind the wall. HENRY turns back to the TV.

YOUNG SHAWN leans out again, but his dad is missing from the couch.

HENRY pops in front of SHAWN from the other side of the wall.

HENRY: Shawn.

SHAWN moves back in surprise.

HENRY: What are you doing? You were supposed to be asleep two hours ago.

YOUNG SHAWN: I was watching and then I know I shouldn’t, but I then I didn’t want to go back upstairs. I was scared.

HENRY: Alright.

HENRY  picks up SHAWN and then sits down next to him on the couch.

HENRY: Now listen. Now you know none of this is real, right? It is all make believe. People do not become blood thirsty monsters after they get shot. In fact I have had a lot of experience in the field with puncture wounds and there’s no way a giant dart to the lungs creates a six inch hole visible on the other side.

YOUNG  SHAWN: Really?

HENRY: No way. I-I mean maybe the blood engorged cavity will become purple and expand, perhaps even explode. Well, I’ve seen that.

YOUNG  SHAWN looks somewhat traumatized by HENRY’s description.

HENRY: Look, dead bodies do not walk, son. Sometimes they suddenly blink or jolt for a second, but mostly they just wither and smell and drizzle and ooze. Alright, now go to bed. Sleep tight.

 

Cut to present day.

LASSITER and JULIET walk in a building.

LASSITER: Museum? Four in the morning for a museum and not even the one downtown. (Turns to JULIET), Hey did the paper come out yet?

JULIET: I don’t know are they running another story on the Wyles stuff? [I hear the name as Wilde, but later on it is confirmed that the name is Wyles so I changed it here.]

JULIET signals someone off screen and leaves the frame of the camera.

LASSITER: Uh, I don’t know, uh perhaps, hey gosh, I hadn’t even thought about that.

LASSITER notices JULIET’S disappearance.

JULIET reappears in camera from another hallway.

JULIET: Carleton, you name has been in every article they have printed since you reopened the case.

LASSITER: Has it? Huh? I try not to read the papers too much, very skewed. No I was just going to look at Classified Ads. I mean you know I have been looking for a new Bob’s Big Boy right?

JULIET gives LASSITER a quizzical look.

BUZZ appears.

BUZZ: I got it detective. (BUZZ hands LASSITER a paper, which LASSITER grabs.) The press officer[?] for the mirror gave me an advanced copy. Bu-But there is nothing about you or Wyles in there.

LASSITER: What?! Impossible, I leaked that stuff about the wockity[?] change yesterday.

BUZZ: Hey, did you say you were looking for a Big Boy? Like a full size. (Buzz places his hand out at the approximate high of a Bob’s Big Boy statue).

LASSITER hands BUZZ the paper with a snarl on his face.

LASSITER: Go away. That thing’s a rag anyway.

LASSITER walks off camera followed by JULIET.

 

Cut to another scene.

A WOMAN (latter identified as MRS. BRIDGEWELL in a pink sweater is handed a video tape by a MAN walking by.

MAN: Security tape Ms. Bridgewell.

JULIET and Lassiter appear on camera.

JULIET: Hi I am detective O’Hara.

JULIET shakes MRS. BRIDGEWELL hand.

MRS. BRIDGEWELL: Sophie.

LASSITER: Wait, you are the curator?

SOPHIE: Assistant curator.

LASSITER: I would like to speak to someone in charge.

SOPHIE: I am in charge.

JULIET: She sounds in charge.

SOPHIE: The mummy room’s this way. (She points towards the camera and begins walking that direction.) Please follow me.

Sophie, Lassiter and Juliet walk through the Museum.

LASSITER: Where’s the curator?

SOPHIE: He’s in Egypt, procuring the rest of this collection. But, I assure you I…

JULIET: (Juliet interrupts) There is no need, he’s been working all night. Can you catch us up?

SOPHIE: Yeah. This exhibit just opened yesterday. I don’t know how this is possible.

LASSITER: It’s a prank or some sort of dare.

SOPHIE: It’s a three-thousand-year-old mummy that’s missing officer.

LASSITER: It’s detective. (Lassiter corrects her.)  It’s not like it was covered in gold. I mean he wasn’t a king or prince or even royal food taster. He was just some guy who happened to died and got himself wrapped up and was found in a pretty cracked up box. He probably mummified himself.

JULIET: He hasn’t had his coffee yet (Juliet explains sounding annoyed). Has anyone found the night watchman?

SOPHIE: Oh, I’m afraid not.

LASSITER: Night watchman, Douglas F. Hastings, 47, three counts of felony burglary on his record.

JULIET: Technically burglary is a felony.

LASSITER: Three charges dropped. Don’t you guys run checks?

SOPHIE: Doug was a very good employee. He has been here for seven years. And we have a complex security system

LASSITER: Which was due to be overhauled last spring.

SOPHIE: We pushed it back; we have a very abulic board of directors.

LASSITER: Good, I would like to speck which each one of them as soon as the sun rises. Now if you would forgive us we have several high profile cases that don’t involve archaic security systems and rundown buildings. O’Hara, put out an ATB on the guards vehicle; look up the word abulic, and meet us at the station. [Side note, Abulic describes someone who is characterized as having an inability to make decisions.]

Cut to LASSITER, JULIET and SOPHIE walking in another part of the museum. SOPHIE hurries to catch up to LASSITER.

SOPHIE: Just a minute. I don’t know who are detective, but this was no prank. The alarm was triggered from the inside.

LASSITER, JULIET, and SOPHIE stop walking in front of a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull.            

SOPHIE: And although our archaic security footage was limited to rotating shots of the four main rooms, not a single shot shows to culprit of the mummy being carried from the building.

JULIET closes a folder of papers she was looking at and hands it to LASSITER.

JULIET: She was right. It’s all right here.

SOPHIE: The mummy disappeared in 15 seconds or less and out main feed picked up none of it. (SOPHIE hands a tape to LASSITER, which he makes JULIET carry.) This all cracks of something larger than petty crime. And, not to sound too Shirley McLain screams of something potentially, supernatural. (Meanwhile LASSITER is smiling smugly.) This requires someone with skills beyond the normal person. I want him. (SOPHIE points to behind LASSITER and towards the dinosaur skull. LASSITER and JULIET turn and the camera zooms into LASSITER horrified face.)

The camera cuts to a picture by the skull and zooms in. The picture shows SHAWN crouched over holding excavation equipment. Written on the picture are the words, Discovered by Psychic Paleo-Sleuth SHAWN SPENCER identifying the skull as the one SHAWN found earlier this season. Under the photo are the words, photo by bruton gaster.

The camera cuts back to LASSITER’S close up.

LASSITER: No you don’t. (LASSITER states this dejectedly. JULIET looks smug.)

SOPHIE: Yes I do.

JULIET pulls out her phone and dials someone using speed dial. She turns to LASSITER.

JULIET: Do you think he’s up?

 

Cut to a motel.

A lady is getting out of the car. The sound of a shutter closing is heard and the picture turns black. We are looking through the lens of a camera.

The camera cuts to SHAWN who is out photographer. He looks down confused.

The camera cuts to the woman followed by a man walking up stairs outside the hotel.

The camera cuts again to SHAWN who we see has pulled out his phone. He is still watching the man and the woman.

SHAWN: Hello?  Jules?

The camera cuts again to the couple and we see the man look around to see if anyone is watching.

The camera cuts again to SHAWN.

SHAWN:  Actually I am wide awake. Why do you ask? Do you want to watch a movie together over the phone? Please say it is Father of the Bride 2.

The camera cuts back to the hotel where we see the couple flirtatiously going to a room.

SHAWN: How about Captain Ron?

The camera cuts back to SHAWN.

SHAWN: Pure Luck? You don’t have anything with Martin Short.

SHAWN looks up noticing the couple approach their room.

The camera cuts back to the couple. The woman is holding a bottle of what can be assumed to be champagne. The couple are very close to each other.

The camera cuts back to SHAWN.

SHAWN:  Hold on a sec.

SHAWN puts down the phone. He moves to the side and climbs up a slide at the edge of a pool.

The camera cuts back to the couple and the man gets out the key.

The camera returns to SHAWN who is standing on the ladder of the slide and lifting his camera to take a picture.

The camera returns to the view looking through SHAWN’s camera. We see the man and woman at a room marked 237.

SHAWN:  Well you don’t have to get snippy.

The camera cuts back to SHAWN who lowers his camera.

SHAWN: You are the one that drunk dialed me. Oh really? I just assumed. I mean it’s 4:25 right?

SHAWN raises the camera again.

The camera cuts back to the view through SHAWN’s camera. The man has opened the door and they begin to enter the room. We see that SHAWN is taking pictures. The man looks around, after the woman has entered the room, to see if anyone is watching.

SHAWN:  The Museum? Are you kidding? They love me down there. Did you see my plaque? The man closes the door.

Cut to Plaque of SHAWN discovering the skull with the words Discovered by Psychic Paleo-Sleuth SHAWN SPENCER and photo by bruton gaster.

Cut to SHAWN and JULIET in the Museum looking at the plaque

SHAWN: Uh Oh.

JULIET: What’s wrong?

SHAWN: They only put one name on there.

JULIET: So?

SHAWN: So, Gus is going to have an aneurism. And not the good kind.

LASSITER comes up behind JULIET and SHAWN and puts his hands on their shoulders.

LASSITER: Spencer, we can rehash good times later, right now I really need you to create some semblance of focus.

LASSITER pulls SHAWN away from JULIET and the exhibit. They begin to walk away followed by JULIET.

LASSITER: Missing mummy, missing guard, old security system. Please tell that feisty little assistant curator that it’s not some sort of elaborate break in so that we can all go home.

SHAWN  OK, I’ll try. He looks at something off screen. Is that a real beaver?

JULIET shakes her head in annoyance.

Cut to an overhead shot of the Mummy Room with the curator and presumably police officers milling about. There is a glass case in the middle of the room whose lid is ajar. LASSITER, SHAWN and JULIET enter.

Cut so a ground shot of SHAWN, JULIET, SOPHIE, and LASSITER. SHAWN shakes SOPHIE’S hand.

SHAWN: Shawn Spencer

SOPHIE : I know, Sophie Morris Bridgewell.

SHAWN: I know.

SHAWN  Everyone certainly loves you down here.

SHAWN: And I love you. (SOPHIE looks slightly shocked.) Metaphorically. (SHAWN turns to JULIET.) What? You had your shot. (SOPHIE looks back and forth, confused, between SHAWN and JULIET.)

SHAWN: Let me do what I do.

Cut to a close up shot of the class case with the ajar lid. It is the mummy displace case, the sarcophagus sits open and empty. SHAWN walks over to a nearby man and motions for him to move.

SHAWN: Excuse me I will need some space. Thank you. (SHAWN steps into a lunge position and raises his hands to his head as if trying to read someone’s mind. He looks towards SOPHIE.)

Cut to SOPHIE who silently chuckles.

Cut to LASSITER and JULIET looking skeptical.

Cut back to SHAWN who moves from the lunge into a pushup position against the base of the mummy display case. He does a couple of pushups.

Cut to SOPHIE who laughs and smiles.

Cut to LASSITER and JULIET who do not look amused.

Cut back to SOPHIE who looks embarrassed.

Cut back to SHAWN, this time with the detectives and the assistant curator in the background. SHAWN slides to standing from his pushup. SHAWN walks to a display along the wall containing a number of Egyptian artifacts, SHAWN begins pointing at them.

SHAWN: Have it. Have it. Want it. Have it, mines bigger.

Cut to SOPHIE who still seems amused with SHAWN.

Cut back to SHAWN who walks over to the mummy case.

SHAWN: I have a problem.

Cut to LASSITER, JULIET, and SOPHIE.

SOPHIE: What is it?

SHAWN: The layout of this display is horrible, who designed this? (LASSITER looks at his watch.)

SHAWN walks over to a stain glass window and two small statues.

SHAWN: Really? We need two of these? Queen Nefertiti [Note: Shawn mispronounces the name as ending in Titi not TeaTea]

JULIET: Nefertiti.

SHAWN: I’ve heard it both ways.

Juliet rolls her eyes.

SHAWN crouches to look through the side of the case and tilts his head. He flashes on a hand print on the glass.

The camera cuts to a shot of a cloth covered hand pushing up on the glass and making the mark.

SHAWN moves to the front of the case, by the detectives.

SHAWN flashes on foot prints on the floor.

The camera cuts to some unseen being making the foot prints.

SHAWN: Huh?

LASSITER Well?

SHAWN: I am going to have to concur with detective Carlito Lassitero on this one. That mummy was not stolen Ms. Bridgewell.

LASSITER: Great.

The camera zooms in on SHAWN’s face.

SHAWN: I am afraid it walked out all on its own.

LASSITER looks peeved, JULIET confused and SOPHIE shocked.

Opening Credits

Cut to commercial.


 



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