Penname: Afatcat101 [Contact] Real name: Arynne
Member Since: February 29, 2012
Membership status: Member
Bio:
I'm an aspiring writer/artist/actress. I love to read and write fiction. Reading; I like comedy, horror/suspense, and mystery usually. Writing; I like mostly suspense/horror/serious. I would do comedy, but i can't. It just isn't funny when I try.
Reviews will probably be decently sized. I tend to give praise, and then advice and critique.
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Reviews by Afatcat101
Summary:

Her footsteps echoed in the empty tower, quietly accompanied by the faint sound of the ticking machine above. Juliet walked up the steps, turning around at any sound, ready to fire at anything.


Categories: Pre-season, Alternate Universe
Characters: Juliet, Karen, Lassiter, Shawn
Genres: Hurt/Comfort, Suspense
Warnings: Sensitive Material
Series: None
Chapters: 3 Table of Contents
Completed: Yes Word count: 5268 Read Count: 4398
[Report This] Published: July 15, 2012 Updated: August 02, 2012
Reviewer: Afatcat101 Signed
Date: July 15, 2012 Title: Chapter 1: We Work Well Together

Thanks for the advice. Yeah I wrote this when I didn't know or care much about specifics. Ya know? But the whispering thing can easily be explained in a later chapter. Or the last one

Summary:

When everyone's attempts to comfort Shawn result in failure, Juliet tries a different approach. 

Spoilers for Santabarbaratown and anything before that.

 


Categories: Season, Post-season
Characters: Gus, Henry, Juliet, Karen, Lassiter, Maddie Spencer, Shawn
Genres: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Warnings: Character Death, Major Spoilers
Series: None
Chapters: 2 Table of Contents
Completed: Yes Word count: 2296 Read Count: 4648
[Report This] Published: August 21, 2012 Updated: August 21, 2012
Reviewer: Afatcat101 Signed starstarstarstar
Date: August 23, 2012 Title: Chapter 2: Say Nothing At All

I think this is a very touching story. Its one of those stories that actually pull at a heart string. Yours more plucked than pulled, but still.
Critique-wise, there were some things I noticed. And I notice you do it a lot on your Tumblr askheaddetectiveandhispartner blog. You tend to make errors with phrases saying "we did this" or "they did this."
For example, I found a sentence in chapter1: " 'Come on, Carlton, let's give Mr. Spencer some space." The chief said as her and Lassiter left. "
The chief said as her and Lassiter left. That is where the mistake is made. It's supposed to be "she and Lassiter left."
Think of it like this. Does it make sense to say "she said as her left" or to say "she said as she left"? Thats a common mistake. An example in your question blog is the following:
"Shawn and I’s relationship...."
In this case it would be Shawn's and my relationship. Same as before, which makes more sense "in I's relationship" or "in my relationship."
So I just suggest you maybe just do some basic research about grammar (as everyone should regularly because grammar changes pretty frequently).
On another note, I loved the story. I wasn't focused on anything other than the story which is good for a story. I specifically feel close to this because i lost my grandma a few years ago, and she was my world. I loved her very dearly, but I didn't tell we as much as I wish I did. And my siblings and I tended to have some attitudes toward her and that's something I regret. This following bit is from the second chapter:
"A feeling was washing over him. It was that feeling you got when you knew you were seriously never going to see someone alive ever again. You were out of time, out of chances, and without hope."
This is what really tugged at my heart strings. Cause to me, it constantly feels like my grandma is only out, like to the store, and will be back soon. But that feeling that you describe Shawn with is completely true and it's very affective for those who know that kind of loss. So very good. Good job. Keep writing!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the critical advice and I'm really glad my story could have an effect on you! I'm really sorry about your grandma, by the way. This story kind of relates to me in a sense too for similar reasons.