Date: December 02, 2015 3:55 pm Title: Introduction
Hey, it's been a while since you've updated. *hint hint*
Date: September 24, 2015 2:12 pm Title: Introduction
You touched my heart with this beautiful story of Shawn meeting his new born daughter. You do have a gift for story telling and I want to encourage you to write more. However, you need to review some lessons on punctuation and sentence structure. There are several sites on the internet that you can go to and review to improve your skills. Getting a book from the book store that focuses on punctuation and sentence structure would be to your advantage. Read novels and see how the professional word thing and construct sentences. Avoid long drawn out sentences, keep them simple. I took the liberty of doing a little re-write for you. I look forward to reading your next story. Thank you for sharing this adventure with us.
As Shawn Spencer paced in the hallway of the hospital, he could not help but notice the smell of the disinfectants the cleaning crew was using to mop the floor. As he paced, his heart was pounding in his chest and he could feel the blood as it roar in his ears. He wiped his hand crossed his forehead wiping the sweat for what felt like the millionth time that day. Shawn once again peaked into the operating room though the window of the door. He had read the sign on the door so many times that now it was forever ingrained in his head.
After Shawn plopped down on the floral patterned chair, he tapped his foot. Then he rested his elbows on his knee and scratched his chin. His mind was moving a thousand miles per hour. He could not help but wonder if Juliet would be okay. She had been taken to surgery to have an emergency C-section. His racing thoughts were soon interrupted by the sound of the door opening.
A distinct high pitched noise came from the room and his heart filled with joy as he stood up to face the doctor that greeted him. “Mr. Spencer!” The doctor announced as she held the door open. “You can go in now to meet your new daughter!”
“My new daughter,” Shawn repeated as he walked into the room. He took a deep breath as he gazed at the mother of his child. Then he pulled the blanket away from his new daughter’s face and gazed into her hazel eyes. The new father covered his mouth with his hand. He was trying his best to stop the tears that were now beginning to roll down his cheeks.
His beautiful Juliet looked up at him with tired eyes. A smile soon curled up at the corner of her lips as she gently cradled their baby. “Shawn meet your new daughter, Stella Madeline O’Hara Spencer.”
Shawn’s hand, almost as by instinct, interlocked with his wife’s fingers. He looked at the now quieted newborn in her arms as he reached out his free hand and gently touched Stella’s face. He could no longer hold back the tears. “I am a father.” He said with joy.
Shawn looked up at his wife and noticed she was smiling at him. “What?” He said as he took his free hand to wipe the tears from his eyes.
Juliet replied in a quiet voice, “You look so funny when you try not to cry!”
A gentle smile appeared on Shawn’s face. He kissed the mother of his new born daughter and squeezed her hand. As he watched his daughter as she drifted to sleep, he realized how much his life had changed. Since he left home when he turned 18, he had lived for adventure and the love for the open road. Now he knew that he had opened the door for the most challenging adventure of his life, being a husband and a father.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the feedback! Duly noted. I really, really enjoyed your rewrite. Hopefully the next few chapters I write will be better, since I wrote this one before having read the Psych novels, which are now a big inspiration for me. Hopefully, I can make each chapter uniquely it's own, written in whatever way works best for the character of its focus. Honestly, this was a really helpful critique.
Date: September 22, 2015 1:40 am Title: Innocence
Lol, my parents just gave me a book called, "It's Perfectly Normal". Although I guess Lassie's avoiding tactic works too. :)
Date: September 21, 2015 11:48 pm Title: Heaven
*Much not "mu cheaper". TFW phone hates you...
Date: September 14, 2015 11:47 am Title: Heaven
Aw, complete and utter fluff.
Author's Response: Yep. I love writing fluff almost as mu cheaper as I love writing intense or scary scenes. ;u;
Date: September 11, 2015 12:52 am Title: Break Away
I liked the little bit of Lassie in this. Keep it up!
Author's Response: Thankies.
Date: September 09, 2015 10:53 pm Title: Dark (2/2)
If you need any info about SF I can help!
Author's Response: Oh my gosh, that would be a lot of help, yes. I have been to many places but only really know two towns well. I would appreciate it. XD
Date: September 09, 2015 10:43 pm Title: Light (1/2)
I love how Shawn is the one who can calm down the baby. :)
Author's Response: Yep! Jules will have her moments with Stella, but Shawn doooes have the advantage of being able to sleep through her crying.
Date: September 09, 2015 8:31 am Title: Love
Yay, a new shules story! Super adorable, and I hope to see more of this!
Author's Response: Thank you! Hopefully I can make more soon :D