If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?
Flashback 1987
YOUNG SHAWN and HENRY are playing chess (the former black, latter white). YOUNG SHAWN moves a knight forward. THEY are both drinking lemonade.
HENRY: I’m still waiting, Shawn.
YOUNG SHAWN: Okay, I’m gonna take your pointy, sad-faced guy for my horsey—
HENRY (putting his hand over YOUNG SHAWN’s): Stop. Stop. [He points to the knight.] What is this one called?
YOUNG SHAWN (vehemently): I call him Dwight.
HENRY (ignoring YOUNG SHAWN): [He points to the bishop.] What is this one called?
YOUNG SHAWN: B.A. Baracus*.
HENRY: Look, Shawn, if you’re gonna play this game, you’re going to have to learn what the pieces are called.
YOUNG SHAWN: What if I don’t want to play this game?
HENRY: Chess is important! It’s about strategy, it’s about anticipating your opponent’s next move. This game is an allegory for life.
YOUNG SHAWN: An alle-what?
HENRY: Look, when you’re on the force, you’re gonna have to take in huge amounts of information. Alibis, motives, witness statements, and trust me, if you want to win, this is not stuff that you’re gonna make up as you go. Do you understand? [He puts his finger briefly to YOUNG SHAWN’s forehead, then at the board] Now, I want you to focus, and get serious.
YOUNG SHAWN looks at the board, and concentrates hard on it.
YOUNG SHAWN: Uh…um…
HENRY: What? What do you—what do you—what are you trying to say?
YOUNG SHAWN: I can’t remember what it’s called.
HENRY: What did I just—
YOUNG SHAWN: Oh, nevermind, I remembered it. Checkmate.
He moves his knight (Dwight, if you will) forward and to the right, effectively taking one of HENRY’s bishops, and leaving HENRY’s king unable to move without being taken.
YOUNG SHAWN (getting up to leave): Bye, Dad.
As he leaves, HENRY looks down at the board, a little stunned, then watches YOUNG SHAWN walk off happily. Then he looks at the board again, just to be doubly sure he lost.
Dissolve to present day. Stock footage of Santa Barbara.
Fade into some café table.
SHAWN and GUS (wearing a blue/yellow plaid shirt and jeans and a brown, pinstriped suit, respectively) are joined by a pretty brunette, who is looking at SHAWN anxiously.
DAPHNE: So tell me, is he cheating on me?
SHAWN: Jury’s still out. Do you have something that he’s touched recently?
DAPHNE (checking through her purse, bringing out a receipt): Oh. I have the receipt from lunch.
SHAWN flashes on the time on the receipt (1:30 P.M.), then the fact that the bill was paid for in cash. He then puts his finger up to his temple.
SHAWN: I’m sensing that he always takes you out for lunch. That he never pays with a credit card, always cash.
DAPHNE (impressed): That’s right!
SHAWN: I’m also sensing that you can only call him at the office or on his cell phone, never ever at home?
DAPHNE: That’s—That’s dead on. [To GUS:] You must get goosebumps being around him!
GUS (with a mild glare): Oh, I get something.
SHAWN: Daphne, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, he’s not seeing someone else. [DAPHNE smiles.] The bad news…he’s married.
DAPHNE: What? Are you sure?
SHAWN: Just…tell him a friend told you he was married. His face will tell you the rest.
DAPHNE sighs heavily. SHAWN reaches into GUS’s coat pocket and hands her GUS’s Psych business card.
SHAWN: But, when the mourning period is over, this is my friend Gus’s card. He’s a good listener, and he’s willing to change everything about himself for a girl.
GUS: Shawn, I do not— [DAPHNE started to hand back his card, and GUS remedies quickly] no, no, you keep that, please.
Cut to a lawn next to the boardwalk.
People are sunbathing and kicking around a soccer ball. SHAWN and GUS are walking down the sidewalk. SHAWN is carrying a foil duck, which presumably is carrying the leftovers of his lunch.
GUS: Shawn, we’ve reached a certain level of success. If you want to keep doing any of these, “Is my boyfriend cheating on me?” cases, you’re going to have to do them without me.
SHAWN: Gus, you continue to underestimate me. [GUS looks at him doubtfully.] I’ll have you know that right now, as we speak, we’re on our way to the office to meet with two gentlemen, named Shockley* and Goddard*, who have a very big case for us.
GUS: So what are we talking? Robbery? Missing persons?
SHAWN: They want us to look into the serious matter of—well, that actually wasn’t in the e-mail.
GUS: So how do you know it was real?
SHAWN: They used all caps, Gus. The meeting’s at two, we better hurry.
GUS (checking his watch): It’s 2:18!
SHAWN: Well, somebody had to have the Belgian chocolate fondue, didn’t they!
GUS: That was you, Shawn.
SHAWN: …Well played, sir. [He runs off. GUS follows a minute later.]
Cut to the interior of the Psych office.
GUS and SHAWN are hurrying in, SHAWN still carrying the foil duck.
GUS: Just let me do the talking. [He buttons his jacket.] I don’t want you to scare them off with your non sequitur ridiculousness.
GUS and SHAWN enter the main area. Two teenage boys, SHOCKLEY and GODDARD, are sitting on the couch, not exactly the epitome of relaxed. One is a redheaded Caucasian, holding a green backpack on his lap, the other an Indian boy (as in from India) with a black backpack. They look over as SHAWN and GUS enter.
SHAWN (as he and GUS stop abruptly in the doorway): Please tell me you’re not Mr. Shockley and Mr. Goddard.
The boys silently affirm SHAWN’s reluctant assumption. GUS glares at SHAWN. SHAWN lets his head drop in a semblance of shame.
Opening credits.
Cut to commercial.
Story Notes:
DISCLAIMER: This is an episode transcript. The contents are the property of their respective owners. I own absolutely none of it, I simply copied it down. No copyright infringement is intended.
Other notes:
The chapters correspond to the commercial breaks.
Brackets [ ] denote mid-line notations (ex. "Shawn walks over to Hornstock," etc.) but that were not exactly long enough to separate them completely from the dialogue. Asterisks * denote references used in the episode; the references are explained in the "Chapter Notes" at the end.
Last note: If there are any errors in this transcript (there shouldn't be, because if I didn't completely catch a line, I put on closed captioning on the DVD), let me know and I'll fix it. Any comments/reviews or feedback is appreciated. And please enjoy!
Chapter End Notes:
There are a lot of pop culture references in this episode. Be prepared for comprehensive lists. I haven’t put stars by the references that are known to pretty much everyone, but if there is a reference not starred that you don’t get, let me know and I’ll elaborate on it. By the way, most credit does not belong from me. It is either from tvrage.com (from which I used the most info), or Wikipedia. My explanations would be much less informative than theirs. This disclaimer of sorts applies to this and all further chapters. Ahem, anyway:
*B.A. Baracus—a character, played by Mr. T, from the TV show The A-Team, which ran from 1983 to 1987. It was about a group of Vietnam veterans accused of a crime they didn’t commit; they escape and continue their lives as vigilante-fugitives.
*Shockley—named after William Shockley, a physicist who received the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1956 for co-inventing the transistor.
*Goddard—named after Robert Goddard, an American scientist revolutionizing the field of rocketry. Many of his ideas were ridiculed, such as the possibility of launching a rocket to the moon.
*B.A. Baracus—a character, played by Mr. T, from the TV show The A-Team, which ran from 1983 to 1987. It was about a group of Vietnam veterans accused of a crime they didn’t commit; they escape and continue their lives as vigilante-fugitives.
*Shockley—named after William Shockley, a physicist who received the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1956 for co-inventing the transistor.
*Goddard—named after Robert Goddard, an American scientist revolutionizing the field of rocketry. Many of his ideas were ridiculed, such as the possibility of launching a rocket to the moon.
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