Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
"Good mooorrrrning, California! You're listening to the best in morning talk anywhere along our great state's coast! I'm Producer Greg Powers, yours truly, and have I got a treat for you today, folks. Although our normal host is out with the flu, we have a very special substitute. Hailing straight from San Fraaaannncisco, it's Shawn Spencer, psychic detective, and his partner, Buurrrton Guster!" The man turned and nodded to the other two occupants of the room, then back to his mic. "They'll be filling in today, and I'm sure you'll all have lots of questions, so feel free to call in! As always, our studio lines are open and ready!"
"Thanks, Greg!" Shawn smiled widely. His headphones sat at an angle on his head, and he sprawled forward in his seat toward his microphone. "We're excited to be here."
Gus, in contrast to his friend, was sitting straight as a rod, headphones centered perfectly and a steaming mug with the station's logo in easy reach. He nodded. "Yes, thank you. We appreciate the chance to get our agency out there more for the good folks of San Francisco and the surrounding areas."
The producer had turned off his mic and stepped back from the table, and now he headed for the door. "Not a problem. I'll be manning the board, but you boys just relax and have fun. Thanks again for filling in."
"See, Gus?" Shawn whispered, muting his mic for a moment. "I knew finding his cat was a good case for us."
Gus nodded in agreement, but, before he could say anything, Shawn was back on the air.
"I'm so excited to be talking to you all today!" Shawn said. "And Gus and I cooked up a special treat for you! It's really the best thing ever. You'll love it!"
When Shawn dug a wad of crumpled notebook paper out of his pocket, Gus frowned, then his eyes grew wide a moment later. "Shawn --"
"There's this thing we --"
"You," Gus muttered under his breath. "I still think they're creepy."
"-- like to do every year," Shawn continued. He was glaring at Gus, but the excited anticipation in his voice didn't diminish. If anything, it actually increased. "The Psychfic Awards! Where we look back on a year's worth of fantastic fanfiction and let the readers decide which stories are worth a shiny pineapple trophy! Let's start with a fun one, shall we?" He shuffled through the papers in his hand. "Ooh! I like this one. It's the Best Standalone/Short Award! Which just means the best one-shot or short story under three chapters," he clarified. "This also happens to be one of only two categories where an unfinished story can be nominated! We asked the readers to vote on single chapters."
"Fascinating," Gus said, tone belying the word.
Shawn ignored him. "In this award, third place is a tie between Jules, You Are My Only One by elysiann and both Promises and No Good Way by PineappleHead. Second goes to Oppositional Similarity by Peter Panic. And the honor of first goes to For insert56 by me_!" He applauded excitedly as he finished.
"Shawn --"
"And then!" Shawn continued, ignoring his friend's attempt at interrupting. "The award for Best Alternate Universe -- where things happen a little or a lot differently than would seem 'normal' -- had some great contenders this year!" he announced. "But vote the people must, and they declared the following stories as the winners: Light Gun, Heavy Heart by CosmicAddress in third place; PineappleHead's One Crazed Anarchist in second; and It's a Wonderful Psych by DinerGuy in first!"
Before he could move on to the next announcement, something caught his attention and he grinned. "Hey, looks like we have our first caller!" Shawn reached over to press a button on the control panel, then leaned in toward his microphone. "Hello! This is Shawn Spencer, psychic detective and emcee extraordinaire, and you're on the air!"
"Shawn!"
A wide grin spread across Shawn's face. "Buzz!"
"I was so excited to hear you when I turned on my radio!" Buzz continued. "And you're doing the Awards again, too! I'm so glad you did it on here; I missed getting to hear them last year."
"Right, sorry about that," Gus quickly covered. "There were, uh, extenuating circumstances."
They could practically see the detective nodding his head as he replied. "Oh, of course! I wasn't blaming you; it was a weird thing with Shawn getting kidnapped and everything. Anyway," he continued, "what's the next category? Sorry if I'm interrupting."
"No worries, Buzby," Shawn assured him. "We have plenty of time! And it's a radio show, so of course we want you to call! Let's see... the next award is for Best Crossover."
"That's where authors use other stories along with us, right? Like, detectives from another city or something?"
"Yep!" Shawn replied. "It might even be someone they read about in a book or saw in the movies. My personal favorites are the superhero ones."
Gus nodded in agreement. "Those are pretty cool."
"This year, it looks like we didn't have a third place winner, but Redwolffclaw won second place with SBPD Smackdown and also tied for first place with Unsung Heroes alongside Psychonatural by Singingpurplerose!" Shawn announced.
"Awesome!" Buzz exclaimed happily. "Oh, hey, look... I need to get into the office, so I'd better go. But thanks for taking my call!"
"Anytime, Buzz ol' pal!" Shawn chirped happily. "Thanks for calling!"
Gus quickly reached for the board. "Let's see who our next caller is. Maybe it'll be an actual case where we can consult and help someone -- since that's what we do at Psych," he added pointedly. "Hello, you're on the air with Psychphransisco!"
"Spencer! Guster! Please tell me you are not doing what I think you're doing!"
Gulping, Gus shot a look at Shawn. "I should've pressed the other button," he mumbled under his breath.
For his part, Shawn didn't look fazed. "Chief Lassiter! How are you?"
"I don't know how many times we've talked about this, Spencer, but why in the name of Sweet Lady Justice do you insist on keeping these awards up?"
"Aww, Lassie, we can't just stop doing these," Shawn scoffed. "What would the readers think?"
"Who cares what they think?" Lassiter snapped. "This whole thing is beyond idiotic. Especially this many years into it all."
"Who are we to deny the lovely people of Psychfic this celebration every year?" Shawn asked. "Come on, Lassie; you gotta admit there are some talented authors here. And at least they're getting it all out on paper instead of committing crimes in the real world, right?"
Lassiter grunted. "You have a point. At least tell me there were some good submissions in that... category about the two of us."
"Uhhhh, about that... " Shawn glanced at Gus with a panicked look in his eyes.
"Spencer? What is it? Please don't tell me they're all ridiculous again this year."
"So, uh, Lassie... you know how sometimes you go to work, and, uh, there's nothing to do because criminals haven't been super busy that day?"
There was a momentary pause, then Lassiter's voice came back over the line. "Yes... What does this have to do with anything?"
Shawn cleared his throat. "It, uh, it turns out that the authors weren't really all that busy in 2016, so... there wasn't a You Astound Me Award this year." He ducked his head instinctively, even though he knew the chief couldn't see him.
After a brief silence, Lassiter cleared his throat. "Well, good. That's great news, Spencer."
"Aw, Lassie, you're feeling left out!" Shawn exclaimed. "I'm sensing some new loneliness in your voice."
"As if," the other man snorted. "I need to go. And you two clowns should probably get back to promoting your business or... whatever you were doing."
"Well that was weird," Shawn remarked as the line disconnected. "It's almost like Lassieface was upset that we left him out."
Gus sniffed. "Well, I didn't leave him out, Shawn; he can come after you if he wants, but leave me out of this."
"Please, Gus; don't be the chicken who didn't cross the road. Lassie would never hurt us."
"You."
"Us. Hello, this is Shawn Spencer!"
"Shawn! Gus!"
"Does this station reach anyone besides Santa Barbara?" Gus muttered, frowning at the board.
Shawn grinned and ignored Gus. "Hi, Woody! How are you?"
"I'm great, Shawn. I was just settling in now that I'm at work, and I turned on the radio. Imagine my surprise when I heard some familiar voices on the air!"
"Yeah, you know, it just so happened to work out for us to be on this morning," Shawn nodded.
Gus cleared his throat. "So, how are you, Woody? Any interesting cases lately?" The look he gave Shawn was one that clearly said they needed to get their show back on track. Now.
"I'm just excited that these awards are happening again!" Woody said excitedly.
"Yeah... they're great," Gus sighed.
"Oh! Gus!" Shawn separated the next sheet from the top of the stack and pushed it across the table to his friend. "Why don't you read the next one?"
Gus frowned, but Shawn was watching him expectantly, so he sighed again and picked up the paper. "Let's see... uh... 'The stories that gave readers a genuine shiver through their spine. Something terrifyin'... or maybe even gory! Or with some unnatural creature haunting the chapters of the story!'" Gus frowned. "Shawn, what is this... a poem? This is ridiculous. Who wrote this?"
Shawn grinned widely.
"Oh no," Gus groaned.
"Come on, Gus!" Shawn prompted. "Who won the Best Horror/Supernatural Award?"
Gus sighed. "Well, third place is It's a Wonderful Psych by DinerGuy, second place is Unsung Heroes by Redwolffclaw, and then first place is Where There is Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth by dragonnan."
"Yay!" Woody exclaimed. "But what about my favorite category?"
Gus tilted his head. "Do you have a favorite category?"
"You know, the terribly sad one? The one that everyone gets upset about but really takes a genius to do well and should get more acclaim than it does?" the coroner prodded.
"Ohhh!" A grin spread across Shawn's face. "You mean Best Deathfic?"
"Yes!" Woody exclaimed happily.
Shawn ignored the look Gus was sending him -- again. "Right. I couldn't have said it better myself, buddy!"
"Shawn, this one is almost worse than the injury award!" Gus objected indignantly.
"We're not talking about that one right now," Shawn said, waving a hand dismissively. He glanced over the page in his hands, nodding to himself as he located the correct section. "Okay, Woody, looks like we have our winners in that category! They are... PineappleHead with One Crazed Anarchist in third place; PineappleHead with No Good Way in second; and, last but not least, seaweed with Bombs in first!"
"What is wrong with these people?" Gus mumbled.
Meanwhile, applause came over the line from Woody's end. "Those all certainly sound like winners to me! I'm sure they are all amazing. Now, what about --" A loud, metal clanging sound interrupted him.
"You okay, Woody?" Gus wanted to know.
"Oh, yeah, fine!" Woody replied. "I just dropped my scalpel is all."
Gus blinked. "Are you working right now?"
"Thanks for the concern, but don't worry, Gus. I can multitask. Anyway, what about the other category we weren't talking about a minute ago?"
"The Boo-Boo Award?" Shawn asked.
"Yeah! That one. Those are usually good, too; some of these writers really do their research!"
Shawn smirked when he looked over and saw the expression on his friend's face. "You're right, Woody. And yes, Gus, I know it's weird and slightly creepy that this is how they show their love, but to each their own, right?"
Gus was shaking his head. "Not when it involves torture."
"Fictional torture, Gus."
"What difference does that make?" Gus yelped indignantly.
"That Lassie can't arrest them for a violent crime," Shawn replied with a shrug.
"He's right, you know."
"Okay, let's see... in third place for the best use of what our dear, literary friends --"
"Not my friends."
"-- call non-lethal 'whump,' we have two stories: Forgive Me Father, For I Have Killed by AmazingLadar and Shawn saw a Ship in the Harbor by harakiri. Then, in second place, is Giving Shelter to Midnight Ramblers by JR88fan. And last but not least, Where There is Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth by dragonnan!"
"Huzzah!" Woody cheered. "Oh, hey, thanks for taking my call, guys! I better get back to work now -- I need both hands for this next part -- but this was fun. We should do it again sometime."
"Thanks for calling in, Woody!" Shawn replied. "Now, let's see who our next caller is. Hello, you're on the air with Shawn Spencer, psychic extraordinaire and emcee of the Psychfic Awards!"
"Shawn!"
"Oh! Hey, Jules! How's it going?"
"Shawn, what are you doing on the radio?"
"Greg let us have the morning show for promotional purposes!" Shawn replied excitedly.
"You're still doing those?"
"Jules, I'm sensing you're conflicted about this," Shawn said thoughtfully. Then his face lit up. "You know what'll make you feel better? Hearing about the stories that won for Best Romance this year!"
"Shawn --"
"No, come on, Jules. You'll love these!" Shawn insisted, studiously ignoring Gus's glares across the table. "And that would be All that Mattered in that Moment by dragonnan in third place, Torn by me_ in second, and two first place winners: Jules, You Are My Only One by elysiann and A Very Shules San Francisco Tour by Redwolffclaw!"
"Hmm," Jules hummed over the line. "You know, that last one sounds really nice. It is about time we did something romantic together, Shawn. Especially considering what today is."
Shawn's eyes had grown wide, and when he noticed Gus looking at him, he mouthed 'anniversary' at his friend.
Shaking his head, Gus spoke up. "I'm sure anyone loving and caring already has something planned for any upcoming special day." He nodded and smirked in return to Shawn's glare.
"Right!" Shawn finally said. "Love you, Jules. See you tonight!"
"Bye, Shawn. Bye, Gus," she added before hanging up.
Gus clicked the button for the next call before Shawn could say anything else. "Hello! You're on the air!"
The voice that came over the line next didn't sound familiar to either friend. "Yes, hi, uh, is this the psychic?"
Gus jumped at the question. "Yes! You're on with Psychphransisco! How can we help you?"
"Well, I am a little confused, the man said slowly. "I thought you were detectives... not literary critics."
"Oh!" Gus scrambled to recover from what he saw as things quickly unraveling. So much for good publicity. They'd be lucky if anyone ever darkened the door of Psychphransisco again. "Well... you see --"
"Either way, I think it's great!"
Gus sighed in relief. Shawn stuck out his tongue.
"You see," the man said, "I own a small library in town -- historical stuff, mostly -- and I think one of my new books might be haunted. You'd be perfect for the job."
"Great!" Gus grinned happily. "We'd love to help."
"Thanks. Boy, am I glad I turned on the radio today! I'll bring the volume by your offices this afternoon."
"Wonderful!" Gus agreed. "We'll see you at three?"
"Sounds great. Thank you again!"
"Aww, Gus! We got a gig!" Shawn smirked. "And to think you thought nothing good would come of this."
Gus just rolled his eyes.
"You know what this makes me think of?"
"Don't you dare make this about another award, Shawn."
Ignoring Gus, Shawn continued. "The Most Psych-Like Story category! Since this is such a Psych-like case! Anyway, in these stories, they must seem like it could literally be put on the screen of our lives and look just like it belonged there!" Shawn explained. "And these fics are just like that! Third place for this category, oddly, didn't have anyone at all." Shawn made a face. "But we do have a runner-up in It's a Wonderful Psych by DinerGuy, and two winners in Out of Order by AmazingLadar and A Very Shules San Francisco Tour by Redwolffclaw!"
Gus tilted his head. "Isn't there a category like that for titles, too?"
"Yep!" Shawn nodded. "And the third Most Psych-Like Title Award goes to It's a Wonderful Psych by DinerGuy; second to Shawn saw a Ship in the Harbor by harakiri; and first to the fantastically titled Forgive Me Father, For I Have Killed by AmazingLadar!"
"What? What kind of title is that anyway? Who killed who?"
Shawn shrugged. "Who knows. You should read it and find out. Ooh!" he'd been glancing ahead on his list. "Now, Gus, I know you claim to hate these, but I know better. In fact, the American Duos Award focuses on our friendship, and no one can deny the awesomeness that is our unique relationship!"
Gus's glare did no good.
"Third place goes to Pants on Fire by insert56," Shawn said with a grin. "Then second to Oppositional Similarity by PeterPanic; and first to Giving Shelter to Midnight Ramblers by JR88fan!"
"Ohhhh-kay. Let's see who our next caller is, shall we?" Gus asked quickly. He was ready to get these over with -- hopefully forever. "Hello? You're on the air!"
"Hi, boys!" a cheerful female voice chirped over the phone line.
Shawn and Gus blinked at each other for a moment.
"Detective!" Shawn exclaimed after the split-second pause. "How are things in lovely Santa Barbara today?"
"Great!" Brannigan replied. "You know, I just heard about these, and now I wish I'd joined the ranks of the SBPD sooner! I never got to participate in something this exciting before." The friends could clearly hear the smile in her voice.
Although he was mostly there, it still took Shawn a moment to fully recover. Now, he grinned widely. Muting his microphone, he turned to Gus. "See? Somebody appreciates what I'm trying to do here," he whispered.
Gus just rolled his eyes.
"Well, we're very glad you're here to participate now!" Shawn said, turning his mic back on and his attention back to the phone call.
"I was wondering, though," the detective continued, "if there's an award about me. I know you said the one for Chief Lassiter didn't have enough entries, but there is one. Plus, you've got one for Gus and Detective O'Hara as well."
Shawn had not been expecting this observation, as he now looked at Gus, who was also wide-eyed and frantically scrambling for an answer. The glances they were exchanging clearly read, 'She'll make the drive here just to shoot us.'
"There is one for head detectives, right?" Brannigan pressed.
"Um, yes!" Shawn finally answered. "There is definitely one for you, Detective B! It's called 'The SBPD Award' -- and, although it also covers other members of the force, you're a huge part of it!"
Gus nodded along. "What would the SBPD be without its head detective?" he added.
"Fantastic!" Brannigan acknowledged. "This is so exciting! Did any about me win?"
"Uhhh... " Shawn was scrambling again. "You see, uh, a lot of our writers were away in 2016, so not that many titles were published, and... "
"Aw, well, that's understandable, I suppose. I'm sure they all had good reasons."
Nodding, Shawn agreed, "Yep. Although, the SBPD Award still managed to receive some lovely entries as kick-butt as our boys and girls in blue! In third place we have Breaking In by me_; in second, Jules, You Are My Only One by elysiann and Light Gun, Heavy Heart by CosmicAddress; and in first, another tie! Out of Order by AmazingLadar and No Good Way by PineappleHead!"
"These all sound interesting!" Brannigan observed. "I'm sure the writers all worked really hard on them, too."
"I think so," Shawn agreed. He gave Gus a pointed look.
"Oh... yeah," Gus chimed in.
Brannigan cleared her throat then. "Well, good talking to you boys," she said, "but I've got work to do. Take care! I've already marked my calendar so I don't miss these next year!"
As the line disconnected, Shawn and Gus exchanged guilty looks.
Gus motioned for Shawn to mute his mic and did so himself. "You shouldn't have gotten her hopes up, Shawn," he scolded. "Now what do we do next year?"
"We'll figure it out," Shawn shrugged.
"Shawn!"
Shawn threw his hands up in the air. "Well, I couldn't break her overly cheerful heart! She's like a little Golden Retriever puppy that I am not about to kick."
"Mm," Gus hummed in agreement. "You know that's right."
Then Shawn slid another piece of paper to Gus. "Okay, your turn again!"
"What?" Gus gave the page a sidelong glance.
"Read it!" Shawn prodded.
"Fine." Gus rolled his eyes. "What is this anyway?"
"Most Wanted WIP!" Shawn explained before Gus could finish reading. "These are stories that readers have been dying to see finished. Who knows; maybe an award will get the author's creative juices going."
"Maybe," Gus said, nodding in agreement. He glanced up and down the notebook sheet. "The three third most wanted stories of the year are False Positive by silverluna, Of Thunderstorms And Psychics by tenpetals-otp, and Psychonatural by Singingpurplerose. Second is Killer Instinct by Vball1227. And the most wanted of all are... Shine by Coffeesugar and Where Do We Go From Here? by silverluna!"
"If you're listening, authors, the people have spoken!" Shawn announced. "Get those pens out and write away. We want some finished stories!"
"What's next?" Gus asked. He sounded eager to be done. "Um... Best Reviewer. Right; this is the reader voted the greatest at leaving feedback!"
Shawn nodded. "Who do we have, buddy?"
"insert56!" Gus exclaimed.
"Yeah!" Shawn clapped. "I heard they made it a goal to leave reviews on everything they read, too." Then he looked back at his sheets of paper. "And then, we have Best Beta! That's the person who was voted the best at editing and helping with story development and continuity," he clarified.
"Uh huh." Gus made a face. "Like what you need every time you try to write something?"
"Hey!" Shawn objected. "Creative genius knows no bounds."
Snorting, Gus shook his head. "Right, like when you wrote that story and put Lassiter in it and nearly got yourself killed?"
"Gus, don't be a South Pole elf," Shawn defended himself. "That was a valid fanfic."
His friend still didn't look convinced. "Give me that." He reached over and snatched the paper from Shawn. "Getting back on track, it looks like... well, huh. Looks like we have two authors voted as winners in this category! And those would be DinerGuy and Redwolffclaw!"
"Whoo-hoo!" Shawn cheered. Then he leaned toward Gus and took back the paper. "And our next award is for the Best New Writer -- who is one of the newcomers since the last awards but has shown exceptional writing ability and the potential to create many more great stories. This winner is... fictionsforfans!"
"That is quite a feat," Gus hummed in agreement. "There are some talented people out there -- regardless of what I think about their subject matter," he clarified.
Shawn grinned. "Don't worry, buddy; we all know you read these when no one else is around."
"Do not!"
In response, Shawn continued to smirk as he turned back to the microphone. "And finally... drumroll please..." He drummed his hands on the table.
Gus rolled his eyes.
"The award for the Best Overall Writer -- the writer you look forward to more from, whose stories you've read multiple times, who consistently captures all of us perfectly --"
"They'd better also have a good grasp on writing style and grammar," Gus added with a raised eyebrow. "Not like you and your misplaced prepositions."
Shawn nodded absently. "Of course, Gus. That's important, too!" He flipped over his last sheet of paper and happily announced, "In this category, this very special award goes to dragonnan!"
Just then, the door to the studio creaked open and Greg stuck his head in. "Hey, guys, you okay? You haven't been paying attention to me."
The friends exchanged guilty looks.
"Sorry, Gary," Shawn covered quickly.
"It's Greg, actually."
Shawn nodded sagely. "I've heard it both ways."
"What?"
"Pay him no mind," Gus said, shaking his head. "What's up?"
"Time to end the show," Greg told them, tapping his watch. "But you've both been great! Really great! Feedback has been amazing. Please say you'll come back on the air with us again soon."
Gus blinked in surprise, but Shawn just grinned widely.
"You got it, G-man!" Shawn exclaimed happily.
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