Author's Chapter Notes:
Warning: Suicidal thoughts/ actions.
(non-beta'd, sorry for any errors)
(non-beta'd, sorry for any errors)
Shawn stared at the knife in his hands as it gleamed in the moonlight.
The light allowed just enough visibility that he could see himself in the blade’s reflection.
But he didn’t even recognize the man he saw anymore.
Was he really considering this?
Had he really gone this far off the deep end?
Sure, he had been down on his luck before, but this time felt… different.
After five years of traveling on his own he had had twenty-seven different jobs in twenty-seven different cities and slept in one-hundred-and-eight different beds… some nights not even being able to find a bed.
Most of the time when he moved on from a place it was usually by his own choice. Either he had mastered the job and gotten bored or just felt it was time to adventure elsewhere. It was a tiring cycle, even if it was usually exciting the first few weeks. The only reason he would stick around a few months was to save up for the next deposit and gas money, or to please a boss whom he liked.
But this time he had been forced out against his own choice. He still wasn’t sure exactly what had happened. It had been a relatively easy job at a big office, but it paid well and presented Shawn with a new challenge every day. He had enjoyed the 9-5 hours with weekends free to hang out with his coworkers that had become good friends. It was the longest he had settled anywhere, and he had actually bought some things for his apartment that he usually didn’t bother with. After six months he felt like maybe, just maybe he had found something more permanent, and it had excited him.
Plus, what had started as just a fling with the girl at the coffee shop down the street had started to become something more. Shawn wasn’t a fan of commitment, but they had had several dates and movie nights cuddled on his couch. She laughed at all of his jokes and even often came up with her own references in response to his. She was smart, funny, beautiful… and made Shawn question everything about himself.
Yet, within the blink of an eye everything had started to crash down around him. The first shock had been the layoff of employees at his company. Being one of the newest additions had all but guaranteed his departure, even with his amazing work performance. After being grumpy for a few days Shawn had started to shrug it off, knowing that he probably should have seen it coming. None of his other jobs had ever worked out, so why had he expected this one too? Just because he had liked it didn’t mean that it was his choice to stay.
Shawn knew he had enough money for at least another month on his apartment and instead of packing up and moving on, he had decided to try and find another job in the same city. What was usually an easy process for him had become an impossible task when two months later he still hadn’t been able to find employment at any job of any kind. With not enough money to pay rent on his month-to-month apartment, Shawn had been quickly evicted, his promise of paying the next month shot down.
He had been lucky to be able to stay temporarily with coffee shop girl, but after a couple weeks tensions had grown and she couldn’t handle him being there anymore (although Shawn was pretty sure she had already moved on to her co-worker after catching them together when he went to visit her one evening at work).
With only two bags of belongings, $40 in his pocket, and his motorcycle, Shawn had left the first place he had started to think of as home in years. He rode for six hours straight, his mind in overdrive, until his tank was empty and had no choice but to pull over to refill.
He kept up this pattern for a day and a half until he was out of money, exhausted, nearly out of gas, and starving. During his drive his thoughts had gone from slightly positive for a change of pace to grumpy about screwing up again to straight up self-hatred. At some point he had made the sad revelation that if he were to just disappear, no one would ever notice or care. He hadn’t talked to Gus in months since he got his fancy new pharmaceutical job, and not sending any postcards to his father for over a year had obviously not affected the old man, wherever he was in Florida.
In his desperation to get some sleep and clear his mind while having no money had found him inside of an abandoned warehouse on the outside of some city Shawn hadn’t bothered to notice any signs for. He had barely pulled his bike inside a graffitied and squeaky door and laid down on his sleeping bag before he had succumbed to a deep sleep.
Ten hours later Shawn had woken up slightly confused before remembering where he had ended up the night before. His stomach growled fiercely at him and he sighed, not knowing what to do to settle it. In all the years on his never-ending road trip, he had never fallen this deeply into a hole. And he could only think of one way to make things better.
He tried to tell himself he was being stupid and irrational but the other part of his just didn't seem to care. He had made his decision. There was only ever one decision.
Everywhere he went he screwed up. He liked to pretend he left on his own will but half of the time he was fired because he had messed around or pulled too many shenanigans. Most people who met him either immediately loved or hated him off the bat, and after a while it was hard to pretend that he didn’t care what people thought of him or what they said. He would crack a joke and smile on the outside, because he wasn’t allowed to show how he felt on the inside.
That’s what he had been inadvertently taught his whole life anyway, right? Shawn was the ever-smiling, cool, happy-go-lucky kid that didn’t let things get to him. Spencer men never let others see their true emotions. You put on a mask and march on like the good little soldier you were.
But out here on his own, it was harder than ever to keep pretending. Not when he was around people that couldn’t care less about who he was. But it was still easier to put the mask on. Everything was always fine, he didn’t care if he was fired or evicted. That was always easier to portray than to actually express his true feelings. But when he was alone, masks fell off. They can’t stay on forever anyway. Frankly, Shawn was tired of it all. Everything in life was always some kind of game or battle and it was exhausting.
One town at a time had worn down on his soul, leaving it a little less whole each time. After five years it had finally been weathered down to nothing and now it was impossible to keep anything in.
He was a screw up, plain and simple. He had no friends, had no family that cared for him, had no house, had no money, had no direction or will to live.
Shawn glanced down and watched as salty tears splattered onto the knife, distorting his reflection.
He was so, so tired.
Gently placing the metal on his wrist, he instantly felt the coldness of its sharp edge. Cold, like his soul.
He could feel the darkness calling him deeper into the hole. It pulled on him from all sides and taunted him to join them. For so long he had fought it. Fought the urges, fought the voices, fought the feelings...
But he had no energy left.
There was only one way to get relief from his misery, to give in to the darkness, and he was the only one who could do it.
Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, Shawn stopped fighting.
Chapter End Notes:
So this is a thing I made.
It's definitely not the best written, but... it's a thing.
It's definitely not the best written, but... it's a thing.
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