--

Carlton Lassiter shivered slightly in the cold. He pulled his long overcoat a little tighter around his body. Whether it had been the minutes that it seemed like since he had rung the doorbell or not, he was tired of waiting. He pounded a few times on the door in an impatient effort to get his date – Shauna Spender, and no, he couldn’t believe the irony either – to come to the door quicker.

A light flicked off in the room to the left of the door. It was a seemingly good sign. He could hear bustling around on the other side of the door, but he couldn’t tell what was going on. A muffled “I’ll be right there!” was shouted and just a few seconds later, Shauna emerged.

“I’m sorry it took so long,” she started to apologize, “but I had to get my retainer.” Carlton froze in his steps, but not because of the temperature. She continued, “See, I just got my braces off about a month ago and if I don’t wear my retainer, my teeth will go back to their prior shape.”

“Yes, I’m aware of the purpose of retainers,” Lassiter replied equally as coldly as the increasingly frigid air surrounding him and his date. As soon as he had said that, however, he immediately regretted it – deciding that it wasn’t a good message to be sending on a first date that he was insensitive. That was something that could wait until they were more comfortable with each other. He added, “Would you like to get going?” to loosen up the harshness of his last sentence.

Shauna smiled at him and headed toward the car that was parked by the curb. When she got closer to the car and actually got a glimpse of it, she started to jump around and added in a few lighthearted screams of happiness.

“OH MY GOD,” she yipped in her high voice, “I’ve always wanted to ride in a police car! This is so exciting.”

Lassiter tried not to let his smirk show. “You can ride in the back if you want. You know, to get the full effect.”

A louder scream.

“Really, could I?!” Shauna ran and hugged Carlton.

--

Upon arriving at the restaurant, – a slightly less than three star restaurant where the homeless frequently made appearances in the back dumpster – Carlton walked around the car to open the back door and release the now handcuffed Shauna. As she grabbed his hand and slid her legs out of the car, her dress caught on one of the seatbelt fasteners. She yelped a little before saying, “Ohmigod, I forgot to put on panties.” Carlton rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Just give me your hand,” he breathed and led her into the establishment.

“Wow, this place is so classy,” she said as she looked around at the décor. “This is so much better than anything I could have ever imagined. OH MY GOD, THEY HAVE MINTS!”

Lassiter pulled on her arm and led her to the host. “I have a reservation for two under Lassiter,” he said.

“You have really pretty eyes,” Shauna told the host. “You should really get contacts or something so when people look at you, they don’t have to look through your glasses. Those glasses are terrible, by the way. No one wants to look at huge frames.” She then removed his glasses and put them in her purse, which was the size of a small duffel bag. “You can get them back if you promise to get contacts.”

The host looked lost and confused. “But … ma’am, I do have contacts. I just don’t –”

Shauna interrupted. “You don’t what? Don’t make excuses. With eyes like those, you can’t wear glasses. It’s a crime.” She paused and frowned, but then it seemed as if she remembered something and she smiled. She turned to Carlton and he knew exactly what she wanted him to do.

“I’m not arresting him, Shauna,” he told her calmly.

“Why not,” she whined back at her date.

“He didn’t break any laws.”

Shauna scowled.

Carlton rolled his eyes again, as was beginning to be habit now, and took out his handcuffs.

“Wha-what … DUDE! What are you doing?” the host screamed as the handcuffs were placed around his wrists.

Shauna clapped. “This is my favorite part! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will –”

Lassiter interrupted her. “No, you can’t say that.”

“Yes, I can,” she rasped.

“I strictly forbid it.”

“I don’t care what you ‘forbid,’ I can say what I want. Just like when I tell you that those pants do not match your shirt. And what were you thinking when you chose that jacket? It doesn’t go with your socks. Seriously, you could be a contestant on What Not to Wear. OH. MY. GOD! I should totally nominate you!”

“Hey, would you like to have each and every one of your limbs hacked off by an ax? Because that’s what I’d do if you nominated me for What Not to Wear,” Lassiter spat back.

“My dad was a lumberjack,” Shauna answered matter-of-factly. “He used to use an ax. But then he dropped it on his foot and my mom had to take over the business.”

Carlton paused. “So your mom was a lumberjack?”

Shauna nodded. “I think the correct term is ‘lumberjill.’”

“A female lumberjack is not called a ‘lumberjill,’” Carlton argued.

The handcuffed host turned around to face the man who had handcuffed him and the woman who had started to tell him his rights. “The deranged contacts woman is right – a female lumberjack is called a ‘lumberjill.’”

Lassiter hissed.

“Dude, don’t get mad at me. I read it in Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. It was one of those little notes down at the bottom – you know where they have the fun facts?” the host answered.

Shauna smiled and smashed her stiletto heel into Carlton Lassiter’s foot.

--

When Carlton had finally finished apologizing to the staff of the little restaurant that he never got a meal from and returned to his car, he found Shauna and the host – still handcuffed, mind you – in the backseat with their mouths on each other’s. Carlton shivered much like he had earlier that night and tossed his once date from the car.

“Were you going to decuff me or something?” the host asked, mortified that Lassiter was about to drive away without taking the handcuffs off him.

Lassiter shook his head. “I can’t find the key,” he replied.

“Dude, you can’t be serious.”

Lassiter snickered and drove away – leaving the host making obscene gestures in his direction and Shauna picking at the lock on the handcuffs with the pin from the corsage that her first date of the evening had so carelessly stabbed into her skin.

“There can’t be anything that could be worse than this night,” Lassiter muttered under his breath. Just as he was saying that, he was forced to slam on his brakes as a bright blue Toyota Echo hatchback cut him off as it was merging onto the interstate.

Of course he recognized the car. He recognized the license plate. He recognized the round head of the driver and the flailing arms of the person in the passenger seat.

“You’re unbelievable, Spencer.”

Fin.

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